WASHINGTON, D.C. — Jim Jordan has approached the Republican minority leadership job with the energy of a man who has discovered that losing an election is not a political setback but an opportunity to convene seventeen hearings about the scoreboard.
His first order of business was to demand documents from the voters. Not the election officials. The voters themselves. Every American who declined to support a Republican candidate was asked to explain the decision in writing, preferably under oath and before lunch.
House Republican Minority Leader Opens Inquiry Into Arithmetic
“The numbers are deeply suspicious,” Jordan told colleagues while staring at a chart that showed fewer Republican seats than Democratic seats. “If we had won more districts, we’d have won the House. Someone needs to explain why that didn’t happen.”
His staff immediately assembled a working group on the political implications of subtraction. Its preliminary finding was that when one party loses seats, the other party often gains them. Jordan called the discovery troubling and requested a classified briefing on addition.
In Ohio, a constituent offered an alternative theory: perhaps voters were tired of politicians treating every pothole, grocery bill and lost football game as a conspiracy requiring a subpoena. The suggestion was referred to the Subcommittee on Unhelpful Explanations.
Congressional Oversight Expands to Include Voter Disappointment
The Clerk of the U.S. House of Representatives publishes official House information, while the Federal Election Commission provides federal campaign finance records. Neither agency has yet devised a form allowing a disappointed congressman to return an election result for store credit.
Jordan’s advisers have proposed holding hearings in every district that voted against Republicans. A staff economist warned the tour could be expensive. Jordan replied that spending money to investigate why Washington spends money was exactly the kind of fiscal responsibility voters expected.
The hearings would feature expert witnesses, charts and a large red arrow pointing downward. A consultant suggested turning the arrow upside down. That would make the numbers look better, he explained, without requiring anyone to win anything.
Republicans Discover Opposition Is Easier Than Governing
Minority status has certain advantages. Every proposal can be condemned as reckless before anyone has to calculate what an alternative might cost. Every committee meeting offers an opportunity to accuse the majority of obstruction. And every television interview begins with the soothing words, “If we were in charge.”
One Republican strategist described the arrangement as political luxury. “You can promise a balanced budget, lower taxes, stronger borders, cheaper energy and a free puppy for every household. Nobody asks where the puppies come from until you regain the majority.”
Jordan finally announced a breakthrough. The party had not lost because of poor messaging, weak candidates or unpopular policies. It had lost because an insufficient number of Americans voted Republican.
He ordered a hearing to determine why nobody had thought of that sooner.