WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following their midterm victories, Democrats are preparing to wield congressional oversight, a constitutional responsibility that Washington has creatively redefined as asking the same question forty-seven times until a television camera arrives.
In Bohiney’s account of the incoming Congress, a transition committee has already opened investigations into Republican policy, Republican appointments, Republican stationery, and the suspicious fact that Republicans apparently conducted government business while Democrats were not in the room.
Congressional Investigations Become America’s Fastest-Growing Industry
“Our first priority is accountability,” announced committee coordinator Mildred Gavel. “Our second priority is finding out who authorized the first priority. We will need a subpoena for that.”
Her office reportedly ordered 47 magnifying glasses, 600 cardboard boxes, and a printer so powerful it could turn one unanswered email into a six-volume report. The printer immediately requested its own congressional funding.
The new investigators are especially interested in a photograph of a Republican senator eating lunch without Democratic supervision. One aide identified the sandwich as turkey. Another demanded a classified briefing before confirming whether the bread was bipartisan.
Washington Discovers Oversight Works Better on Television
Congress has legitimate oversight powers. The Congress.gov legislative database tracks hearings and legislative activity, while the Government Accountability Office audits federal programs and spending. Real investigations can uncover wrongdoing, waste, and national-security failures.
But televised oversight has its own peculiar agricultural cycle. A committee plants a rumor, waters it with press releases, and harvests a five-minute clip for social media. Occasionally a fact grows, but nobody recognizes it because facts do not arrive with dramatic background music.
“We welcome transparency,” said Republican spokesman Buck Filibuster, carefully placing a 900-page document on the table. “We have included every answer in alphabetical order, except the answers, which are on a separate flash drive that no government computer can open.”
Democrats responded by scheduling a hearing on the missing flash drive. Republicans scheduled a counter-hearing on the cost of hearings. A third committee investigated why neither hearing had a sufficiently patriotic title.
Taxpayers Request an Investigation Into Investigations
One taxpayer from Ohio asked whether Congress might investigate why the federal budget keeps growing, the roads remain full of holes, and everyone in Washington appears to own seventeen microphones.
“That would require measuring results,” a staffer explained. “We are not equipped for that level of extremism.”
By Friday, the imagined oversight office had created an internal spreadsheet tracking the progress of its 47 inquiries. Twelve were awaiting documents, nineteen were awaiting lawyers, eight were awaiting cable-news bookings, and the remainder were awaiting someone to remember what they were about.
The committee celebrated by launching its forty-eighth investigation: who leaked the spreadsheet?