Remaining 8% Thought MGK Was a Prescription Medication
LOS ANGELES, California – The American public has reportedly reached a rare moment of national unity, with 92% agreeing that Dakota Johnson‘s considerable charms are being wasted on Machine Gun Kelly, a musician whose personal appearance suggests he entered a tattoo parlour in 2014 and has yet to locate the exit.
Americans are now asking how a beautiful, intelligent, sophisticated actress ended up dating a man who looks like he lost a fight with a tattoo parlour.
According to an October 24 Page Six report on Dakota Johnson and MGK’s Los Angeles outings, the actress and rapper were photographed leaving a music studio together before appearing later that evening at the Chateau Marmont. Hello! Magazine has since reported that new photographs suggest Kelly spent the night at Johnson’s Los Angeles home.
The developing romance has raised questions about Hollywood dating standards, celebrity judgment and whether someone should quietly inform Johnson that California contains approximately 20 million other men.
The 92% figure comes from the National Institute of Romantic Common Sense, a satirical polling organisation whose methodology consists of showing people photographs of the alleged couple and asking whether somebody has made a clerical error.
The remaining 8% reportedly requested additional information about MGK’s employment benefits.
Dakota Johnson’s Dating Standards Baffle Hollywood Experts
Johnson, 37, possesses the sort of effortless sophistication that makes ordinary people reconsider their wardrobes, hairstyles and decisions to eat breakfast burritos in traffic.
Machine Gun Kelly, 36, possesses enough tattoos to qualify as a travelling exhibition of decisions made after midnight.
Together, they represent Hollywood’s latest experiment in pairing two people who appear to have been invited to entirely different parties.
Johnson is the daughter of actors Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith and has established herself as a successful performer with an understated public persona.
MGK, whose actual name is Colson Baker, has built a career combining rap, rock music, tattoos and a wardrobe seemingly assembled during an emergency evacuation of a Hot Topic warehouse.
There is nothing inherently wrong with either approach. The concern is that Johnson appears to be dating an entire approach.
One Hollywood relationship analyst observed that Johnson looks prepared to attend an elegant European film festival, while Kelly looks prepared to be questioned about missing equipment backstage.
The distinction is especially troubling because he apparently owns a Maserati. A man can afford Italian automotive engineering but still dress as though his luggage has been lost at a skateboarding convention.
Machine Gun Kelly Opens Car Door, Exceeds Expectations
Observers were reportedly impressed when Kelly helped Johnson into his vehicle.
In ordinary relationships, opening a car door is considered a modest courtesy. In Hollywood, where men have been praised for successfully remaining married through two consecutive Christmases, it has become a major romantic achievement.
Relationship specialists estimate that Kelly’s gesture briefly increased his public approval rating by 14 percentage points.
Unfortunately, he was wearing double denim at the time, cancelling most of the gains.
The incident illustrates a larger problem with modern celebrity relationships: expectations have fallen so dramatically that basic manners now qualify as evidence of extraordinary emotional maturity.
A man holds a door open, and suddenly entertainment reporters begin discussing his potential as a husband.
A man remembers a birthday, and Netflix commissions a documentary.
A man remains faithful for six months, and Hollywood nominates him for a humanitarian award.
Megan Fox Reportedly Relieved as MGK Moves On
Another development involves Kelly’s former fiancée, Megan Fox.
According to reporting cited by Page Six and TMZ, Fox is unbothered by the new romance and relieved that Kelly is moving forward with his personal life. CinemaBlend’s look at where Fox and Kelly stand now points the same way.
That leaves Hollywood with an unusual situation in which the former girlfriend appears less upset about losing her ex than the public is about someone else finding him.
Ordinarily, celebrity love triangles involve jealousy, betrayal and expensive attorneys. This one resembles a woman successfully transferring an unwanted subscription.
Fox reportedly has no interest in resuming the relationship.
Dakota, meanwhile, appears interested in discovering why.
Hollywood observers suggest Fox’s attitude represents an important breakthrough in emotional maturity: the ability to see an ex-boyfriend dating someone new and resist the temptation to send a warning letter.
Why Beautiful Actresses Keep Dating Troubled Rock Stars
The Johnson-Kelly situation has renewed interest in one of Hollywood’s oldest mysteries.
Why do successful, attractive actresses repeatedly become romantically involved with musicians whose personal histories resemble the legal disclaimer at the end of a pharmaceutical commercial?
Sociologists have long studied romantic attraction, though no recognised discipline has yet established why a leather jacket, several neck tattoos and an expensive automobile occasionally outweigh every other consideration.
Theories include chemistry, shared humour and the possibility that musicians possess a special ability to appear emotionally vulnerable while earning enormous sums of money.
According to People’s reporting on Johnson and Kelly’s relationship, sources say the two share a dry, dark sense of humour and enjoy making each other laugh.
That may explain everything.
Johnson apparently finds Kelly funny. The American public, meanwhile, finds the relationship hilarious.
Both sides are experiencing laughter, although for entirely different reasons.
Experts Recommend a Cooling-Off Period Before More Tattoos
The entertainment industry has cautiously welcomed the relationship while acknowledging that the couple have not publicly defined their romantic status.
Insiders say they enjoy spending time together, and there is no evidence Johnson requires the public’s permission to choose her companions.
Nevertheless, the satirical National Institute of Romantic Common Sense has recommended a 90-day cooling-off period, during which Kelly should wear a conventional shirt, avoid acquiring additional tattoos and demonstrate that he can attend a formal dinner without alarming the maître d’.
The institute also recommends that Johnson remember the most important principle of celebrity dating.
Just because someone looks interesting in a recording studio does not necessarily mean he belongs in your living room.
For now, the romance continues, the paparazzi remain delighted, and Americans are discovering that Hollywood’s most important romantic question is no longer whether two people are compatible.
It is whether Dakota Johnson has considered removing her sunglasses long enough to get a better look.
Five Observations on Dakota Johnson and MGK
- She waited outside the recording studio with a laptop. A laptop. On a date night. That is the most stable thing in this entire relationship, and it runs on a charger.
- The Chateau Marmont is famous for discretion. Hollywood goes there to be seen not being seen, which is how you end up with a very expensive hotel and a sidewalk full of cameras.
- A man opens a car door and gets a headline. My father opened car doors for thirty-one years. All he ever got was “you’re blocking the driveway.”
- Double denim is the only outfit that’s a confession. Nobody wears it by accident. You stood in front of a mirror, you looked at yourself, and you said yes.
- A 90-day cooling-off period sounds extreme until you realize that’s exactly how long a person can hide the sweatpants.
Disclaimer: This article is satire. The 92% poll, institute, expert commentary and statistical findings are comedic devices, not actual research. The celebrity outings and attributed reporting are real; the conclusions are entertainment. This story is presented as entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer.