Vegan Cheese Catastrophes
“It Started as a Quesadilla. It Ended in Negotiations with the FDA.”
After preparing a romantic meal using a new experimental vegan cheese substitute called “Plantmelt Alpha,” Brooklyn couple Avery and Juno were startled when the substance not only refused to melt–but oozed off the pan, spelled the word “WHY” in turmeric dust, and began making soft humming noises near the toaster.
“We thought it was just particularly sentient tofu,” said Juno. “But then it locked eyes with our dog and he hasn’t barked since.”
They contacted the manufacturer, who said the product was still in beta testing and “may demonstrate exploratory behaviors.”
The cheese now resides in a Tupperware altar and occasionally flashes LED messages such as “I am brie-coming” and “Stop microwaving me, Carl.”
Plantmelt Alpha has applied for status as a legally protected non-dairy entity. It currently has a lawyer, a PR firm, and a passive-aggressive TikTok account (@MeltedButAwake).
FDA scientists remain baffled. “It’s not food. It’s not life. It’s… aspiring.”
The couple has since switched to hummus and sage the fridge weekly.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
