Student Suspended for Not Crying During Sudanese Coffee Ritual

A Harvard sophomore has been placed on academic probation after allegedly failing to cry during the traditional jebena coffee ceremony led by visiting scholar Mukhtar the Uncolonizable. The ritual, a cornerstone of Sudanese emotional resilience training, involves slow-roasted spiced coffee, deep eye contact, and a mandatory group soul excavation.

The student, Chadley Fortingham IV, reportedly sipped the coffee, blinked twice, and muttered, “Tastes like cinnamon PTSD,” without producing a single tear. Witnesses gasped as Mukhtar calmly asked, “Are you even present in your own spirit?” before summoning a goat to stare judgmentally.

“It’s not about the coffee,” explained one Sudanese TA. “It’s about the emotional purge. If you’re not re-evaluating your relationship with your mother by the third cup, you’re doing it wrong.”

Chadley, a third-generation finance major, defended himself: “I cried last semester—when Tesla stock dipped. That counts.”

Harvard’s Office of Cultural Compliance issued a statement reaffirming that failure to weep during a recognized ritual is “a violation of campus vulnerability protocols.” Chadley’s reinstatement will depend on whether he can produce “a single genuine tear” during next week’s round of sorghum-based grief ceremonies.