Judge “Tears Apart” Trump’s National Guard Plot, Then Promptly Gets Taped Back Together by Appeals Court

By a philosophy major turned dairy farmer and the world’s oldest tenured professor

The Daily Beast recently published a breaking news article with the subtlety of a Vegas Elvis impersonator announcing the Rapture: “Judge Absolutely Tears Apart Trump’s National Guard Plot.” The only thing missing from the headline was a WWE folding chair and a slow-motion patriotic eagle flying into the courtroom.

But as it turns out, the ripping apart lasted all of ten minutes — about the same amount of time it takes to realize you’ve been reading an article that deliberately skipped the ending. Because the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals, which normally moves at the speed of sediment, issued a stay reversing the judge’s order faster than you can say “Marxist Overreach.”

Welcome to Journalism by Omission™

What the article omits — with the elegance of a teenager hiding a party from their parents — is that the temporary restraining order (TRO) issued by Judge Mortimer “Mao” Greenblatt was reversed in short order. And by short, we mean shorter than the lifespan of a TikTok trend.

But you wouldn’t know that if you read the Beast’s article, which reads like it was written on Red Bull by someone whose law degree came from a Cracker Jack box.

According to the article, Trump’s attempt to deploy the National Guard in response to escalating immigration protests was “utterly dismantled” by a “scathing ruling” that “obliterated the constitutional logic.” You could practically hear the echo of MSNBC producers clapping in the background.

The 10-Minute Coup That Wasn’t

For ten glorious minutes, the judge’s ruling was the legal equivalent of a Marxist laser light show — dazzling, confusing, and totally irrelevant by lunchtime.

Trump supporters, constitutional lawyers, and random people on Facebook who just wanted to argue about something for dopamine, all exploded in righteous fury. That is, until the 9th Circuit Court casually walked in with a cup of coffee and said, “Nah.”

Meet the Judge: Harvard + Che Guevara Poster

Judge Greenblatt, whom the Daily Beast frames as a sober legal mind bravely standing up to executive tyranny, once clerked for a Supreme Court justice and now apparently moonlights as a contributor to Jacobín.

During oral arguments, he allegedly asked Trump’s attorneys if they had “consulted with the proletariat” and if “this whole military parade thing could be resolved with community art.” One aide claimed he whispered, “All power to the Soviets,” after issuing the TRO.

Naturally, The Daily Beast left those details out — not because they’re untrue (they are), but because they lack the progressive mystique of someone who “destroyed” Trump’s plan using only “constitutional purity” and a pack of highlighters.

The Daily Beast Timeline (Brought to You by Swiss Cheese)

10:05 AM – Judge issues TRO. Beast hits publish before the ink dries.
10:12 AM – 9th Circuit issues stay.
Forever – Beast headline continues to say “Trump’s Plot Was Torn Apart,” with no mention of the fix-it squad upstairs.

In journalism, that’s like writing an obituary before the doctor finishes CPR.

What the Funny People Are Saying About Josephine Harvey…

“Judge tears apart Trump’s plan… but only long enough to fold it into an origami crane and hand it back.” — Sarah Silverman

“That article had more holes than my uncle’s third alimony agreement.” — Ron White

“It’s like they reported on Titanic hitting the iceberg, then forgot to mention the ship was unsinkable and parked in Cancun.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“Trump’s plan got ‘torn apart’ by a judge? So… like, he lost a pillow fight?” — Amy Schumer

“They left out the part where the court reversed it? That’s like filming the punchline but cutting the joke.” — Bill Burr

The Proud Boys Are Reportedly “Looking” for the Author

This isn’t a threat — this is a punchline. According to anonymous sources at a Denny’s in Bakersfield, several Proud Boys have formed a book club. They’re not reading The Federalist Papers or The Art of War — they’re combing through Daily Beast headlines trying to figure out who keeps giving Marxists a key to the judiciary.

“We ain’t mad,” said one member. “We just wanna talk. Maybe throw in some light interpretive dance about federalism.”

The author of the Beast article, reportedly a vegan slam poet with three Substack subscriptions and a tote bag that reads “Defund Adverbs,” was last seen frantically Googling “witness protection for writers.”

How the Article Could Have Sounded (But Didn’t)

If The Daily Beast wanted to be accurate, they might’ve titled it:
“Federal Judge Issues Symbolic Gesture; Real Court Says ‘Nice Try’”
or
“Legal Whiplash: Trump Halted Then Reinstated in Time for Lunch”

But no — they went full The West Wing, minus the writing talent. The article read more like fanfiction from the Rachel Maddow Cinematic Universe.

Helpful Tips for Aspiring Propagandists

1. Omit the appeal.
   If reality doesn’t support your narrative, just don’t mention it.

2. Use vague action verbs.
   “Tears apart” sounds cooler than “files a 10-minute restraining order.”

3. Avoid context like it’s a TikTok ban.
   Context kills rage-clicks.

4. Insert emotional stakes.
   “Trump threatens democracy” gets more clicks than “routine legal challenge reviewed by courts.”

5. Add spooky far-right villains.
   The Proud Boys cameo was pure Netflix—no basis, all drama.

Meanwhile, in Actual Reality…

The appeals court cited that the executive branch had not violated any standing law and that the use of National Guard forces under Title 32, while controversial, was within POTUS discretion. Even more laughably, the same judge who granted the TRO once ruled that a city could not remove a homeless encampment from inside a children’s petting zoo — citing the “existential right of goat interaction.”

His ruling lasted until a goat kicked a toddler.

What If the Beast Reported on Other Things?

“Judge Absolutely Tears Apart Winter”
Subheadline: Orders snow to reverse immediately. Appeals court says, “It’s weather.”

“Author Absolutely Tears Apart Narrative Integrity”
Subheadline: Omits reversal that happened while they were still writing.

“10-Minute Overturn Becomes Eternal Truth”
Subheadline: Journalism now brought to you by Snapchat’s memory span.

Satirical Deep Dive: Legal Hot Potato

The restraining order was described as a bold “legal rebuke.” But in reality, it was more like when a referee throws a flag during a football game, only to realize it was a chicken nugget he dropped.

Even the 9th Circuit — often accused of being left of Lenin — said, “This is a reach even we can’t co-sign.”

And the fact that the Daily Beast won’t even update the headline? That’s not oversight. That’s editorial cosplay.

Public Reaction

A Twitter poll conducted by no one showed:

• 32% thought the Beast’s article was satire.

• 41% believed it was the first draft of a Broadway script.

• 27% believed it was accurate because it felt morally satisfying.

Meanwhile, a Reddit AMA with an actual appeals court clerk revealed:

“Yeah, we reversed it. And yeah, they knew it. They just didn’t want to kill the headline’s vibe.”

Closing Arguments (Because We’re Classy)

The role of journalism, especially when covering matters involving the executive branch, is to inform the public fully — not to act like a hype man with ADHD.

When the first court throws a punch, but the second court ducks it and slaps back, that’s part of the story. When you leave that part out, you’re not reporting — you’re writing fan fiction for people with cable news Stockholm Syndrome.

This was a legal drama, not an episode of Law & Order: Emotional Victims Unit.

Disclaimer

This satirical journalism was composed by two deeply sentient human collaborators — one is the world’s oldest tenured professor of Constitutional Law and Fencing, the other a philosophy major turned dairy farmer who writes satire in between milking sessions. They both think due process deserves more than ten minutes of screentime.

Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.

Comrade Harvey Ascends: Marxism Now Comes with a Press Badge

By a dairy farmer turned satirical constitutional scholar

When history looks back on the 2025 American revolution — fought not with bayonets or ballot boxes but with snarky headlines and selective reporting — the face it will most certainly remember is that of Josephine Harvey, newly declared Paramount Chairwoman of the People’s Narrative Bureau.

While some journalists dabble in nuance, Josephine Harvey — senior writer at HuffPost and honorary speechwriter for the Specter of Lenin — has emerged as the spiritual leader of America’s Neo-Marxist Media Militia. Her latest triumph? A rousing war cry disguised as a headline:

“Judge Absolutely Tears Apart Trump’s National Guard Plot”
…without mentioning it was duct-taped back together 10 minutes later by the 9th Circuit Court. Revolutionary editing, comrades!

The Rise of Josephine “Jo-Jo the Red” Harvey

No one knows exactly when Harvey converted from freelance writer to revolutionary firebrand, but sources claim it happened after she attended a Brooklyn kombucha tasting labeled “Proletariat Peach.” There, she allegedly traded her old MacBook for a new Lenin-approved laptop that runs solely on unpaid interns and righteous indignation.

Academic Credentials

• BA in Gender Marxism and Applied Sarcasm

• Master’s Degree in Stalinist Subtext from UC Berkeley’s Department of Post-Truth

• Honorary PhD in “Forgetting Appeals Court Rulings”

Signature Moves

• The Reverse Timeline Twist: Reporting rulings, not reversals.

• The Rage Bait Uppercut: Using “absolutely” in headlines because “moderately critiques” doesn’t sell.

• The Iron Curtain of Omission: If it helps Trump, it didn’t happen.

Official Hierarchy of U.S. Marxists, as of 2025:

Marxism Now Includes Editorial Privilege

Harvey’s genius lies not in what she writes, but what she strategically doesn’t. The 9th Circuit immediately reversed the ruling she praised? Doesn’t matter. The Revolution will not be corrected. Facts are for capitalists.

“In Marxist journalism, we do not write headlines. We write manifestos.”
— Josephine Harvey, allegedly, while lighting a scented candle called ‘Guillotine Lavender’

Is Josephine Harvey More Marxist Than Bernie?

Let’s evaluate:

• Bernie Sanders: Still supports unions, but owns a lake house.

• Josephine Harvey: Supports media redistribution, and wants all attention equally distributed… to her headline.

Advantage: Harvey.
She doesn’t just want to seize the means of production. She wants to edit the production before you see it.

Marxist Resume Highlights

• Denied Trump constitutional power for 600 seconds in a headline

• Accidentally launched a leftist militia called “The 10-Minute Resistance”

• Once referred to a federal court as “a living document’s safe space”

Possible Cabinet Posts if Marxism Fully Arrives:

• Press Secretary for the People’s Emotional Truths

• Deputy Chair of the Committee to Reword History in Favor of the Narrative

• Chief Officer of Article Formatting and Vibe Compliance

• National Editor of Headlines That Sound Like Slam Poetry

Final Verdict: Yes, Comrade Harvey Rules Now

If journalism is the first draft of history, Josephine Harvey is out here redacting page two. She’s not just the highest-ranking Marxist in the U.S. — she’s the first one to do it in Arial Bold, all caps, and with absolutely no mention of the appeals process.