America’s Dumbest Insurrectionists: A Satirical Guide to Left-Leaning and Trans Shooters Who Couldn’t Shoot Straight

The United States once produced revolutionaries with actual gravitas. John Brown raided Harpers Ferry. Now we’ve got people raiding strip malls, Yelp pages, and Chick-fil-A bags. Welcome to the age of the shooter who thinks a manifesto is just a Tumblr blog with bullets.

Connor Betts: The Hot Topic Che Guevara

Connor Betts, the Dayton shooter, allegedly supported Antifa and socialism. But instead of being remembered as a working-class hero, he’s remembered as a kid who thought black nail polish was political strategy.

Humorous Observation: If Che Guevara had lived in Ohio, he’d have been dodging potholes, not bullets. Betts just turned Dayton into a Hot Topic clearance rack.

Local bartender Cheryl recalls: “He said he was starting a revolution. I thought he meant a new bowling league.”

Comedian Lines
“Nothing says ‘down with capitalism’ like paying $8 for a craft IPA before committing a felony.” — Ron White
“If you’re going to die for socialism, at least bring free healthcare. Don’t just bring drama.” — Jerry Seinfeld

James Hodgkinson: Swing and a Miss

In 2017, James Hodgkinson opened fire at Republicans during their baseball practice. His leftist dream? Ending trickle-down economics with trickle-down gunfire. His reality? A swing and a miss so bad he made the Cubs look competent.

Humorous Observation: Republicans survived, the game continued, and Hodgkinson became the first man in history to prove Democrats really can’t hit anything.

An eyewitness told reporters: “It looked less like a shooting and more like a guy trying to swat a wasp with a tennis racket.”

Comedian Lines
“This guy wanted to stop capitalism with bullets. I’ve seen Nerf gun fights with more accuracy.” — Dave Chappelle
“You know you’ve failed when Congress still holds recess after your attack.” — Sarah Silverman

Michael Reinoehl: Antifa’s Lone Ranger

Michael Reinoehl, who killed a right-wing protester in Portland, called himself “100% Antifa.” Which is funny, because Antifa doesn’t even have membership cards.

Humorous Observation: He strutted like Batman, but his Batmobile was a Prius with expired tags.

A leaked Portland police memo read: “Suspect attempted revolution but forgot to check tire pressure.”

Comedian Lines
“This guy thought he was Che. He was closer to Trader Joe.” — Chris Rock
“He didn’t die for a cause, he died for an Instagram post.” — Larry David

Floyd Lee Corkins: The Chick-fil-A Avenger

Corkins stormed the Family Research Council with a gun and 15 Chick-fil-A sandwiches. His plan: kill conservatives and smear them with waffle fries.

Humorous Observation: It’s the first time in history a mass shooter doubled as his own caterer.

Even arresting officers laughed. “We logged the evidence as firearm, ammo, and dipping sauces.”

Comedian Lines
“Every revolution needs a symbol. His symbol was Polynesian sauce.” — Ricky Gervais
“When your backup plan is mayonnaise, you’re not Lenin, you’re Hellmann’s.” — Bill Burr

The Trans Tragedians

Aiden Hale – Nashville School Shooter

Hale’s manifesto wasn’t a political tract; it was a glorified Yelp review: “Too much Jesus. Not enough oat milk.”

Humorous Observation: If your revolutionary statement reads like feedback on a Starbucks app, you’re not a martyr—you’re a customer complaint.

Comedian Lines
“Even Yelp thought the review was too long.” — Amy Schumer
“He gave Christianity one star, but still tipped 20%.” — Kevin Hart

Robin Westman – Minneapolis Church Shooter

Westman stormed a Catholic church in 2025. Parishioners said it was the first time a mass wasn’t interrupted by crying babies but by gunfire.

Humorous Observation: Imagine telling God you died during mass because someone thought bullets were a substitute for rosary beads.

Comedian Lines
“She didn’t even genuflect before shooting. That’s just tacky.” — Roseanne Barr
“Only in America can your crime scene double as a gender reveal.” — Sarah Silverman

Maya Moore – The Workplace Warrior

In 2018, Moore opened fire on co-workers in Aberdeen, Maryland. Survivors said HR was supposed to hold diversity training that week. Instead, they got a live-fire exercise.

Humorous Observation: When your quarterly review includes “shows initiative in armed insurrections,” maybe it’s time to reassign.

Comedian Lines
“She was told to bring her authentic self. She brought a Glock.” — Bill Burr
“HR called it a hostile work environment. Understatement of the year.” — Tig Notaro

Anonymous Staffer Testimony

An “anonymous staffer” leaked a spreadsheet categorizing shooters as Political Failures, Gender Confusion + Gunpowder, and Fast-Tracked to Darwin Awards. The sheet included pie charts, because even in tragedy, Washington loves PowerPoint.

Archival Footage

Grainy cellphone video shows one shooter tripping on his shoelaces mid-attack. TikTok remixed it with a cat filter and Cardi B soundtrack. Now he’s more meme than martyr.

Humorous Observation: If your revolution gets TikTok’d with rainbow puke filters, history has already voted: you’re a clown.

Poll Results

A new Ipsos/Bojangles poll asked Americans, “Which shooter was dumbest?”

• 44% voted for Corkins: “Too many sandwiches.”

• 30% for Hodgkinson: “Baseball is sacred.”

• 21% for Reinoehl: “Cosplay isn’t combat.”

• 5% for “All of the above, can we stop now?”

What the Funny People Are Saying

“Revolutionaries used to storm palaces. Now they storm food courts.” — Ron White
“If your manifesto is longer than War and Peace but dumber than a fortune cookie, stop writing.” — Jerry Seinfeld
“Every shooter wanted to be Che Guevara. They ended up Che Quesadilla.” — Dave Chappelle
“These people didn’t overthrow governments. They barely overthrew their own diets.” — Chris Rock
“America doesn’t breed revolutionaries anymore. We breed Yelp terrorists.” — Sarah Silverman

The Bigger Picture

Every one of these shooters thought they’d be remembered as legends. Instead, they’re memes, jokes, and cautionary tales. They weren’t Spartacus—they were the guy at the Renaissance Fair who insists his foam sword is real.

America’s revolutionaries have gone from storming the Bastille to storming Chick-fil-A with waffle fries.

Disclaimer

This satire lampoons violent individuals and their failed attempts at political relevance. It does not mock the victims, whose suffering is real and tragic. The killers wanted to be martyrs; we’re making sure they’re remembered as punchlines instead. Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.

IMAGE GALLERY