Politician Promises to Unite Country by Getting Everyone Equally Mad at Him

DES MOINES, IA — In a daring new strategy, a congressional hopeful pledged to “heal the nation” by irritating every demographic at uniform intensity, “like a perfectly calibrated smoke alarm.” Within 24 hours he had offended fiscal hawks by proposing to mint commemorative coins made of avocado toast, upset progressives by endorsing emotional support lobbyists, and enraged centrists by describing moderation as “lukewarm queso.”

Definition of Unity, According to the Campaign

Unity (n.): A national chorus of muttered expletives delivered in the same key.

The Plan, in Three Easy Missteps

First, he’ll propose something everyone hates (mandatory 5 a.m. fireworks “to celebrate compromise”). Second, he’ll say he was misquoted—by himself. Third, he’ll host a reconciliation picnic with equal slices of humble pie and electoral math.

Expert Opinion: Polarization, Meet Your Match

Dr. Mateo Kline, who studies polarization and potluck etiquette, calls it “symmetrical aggravation.” “Humans bond over shared grievances,” he explains. “If you can make a yoga teacher and a trucker say ‘This guy?’ in perfect unison, that’s nation-building.”

Evidence, Because We’re Responsible Adults

A quick-turn survey by the Bohiney Public Square Lab (n=1,004) reveals:

• 78% think the candidate is “wrong, but consistently.”

• 55% admit they haven’t felt this united since the airline lost everyone’s luggage at once.

• 22% plan to vote for him out of curiosity, like ordering the weird special at a diner because the waitress smirked.

Eyewitness: Town Hall as Competitive Monologue

At a record-setting town hall, citizens spoke past each other with Olympic form. One attendee insisted the Constitution is a keto diet for government. Another demanded a stimulus package for people who are tired of stimulus packages. After two hours, the candidate announced he’d clarified nothing and considered that “progress.”

Anonymous Staffer Spills the Strategy

A senior staffer confided, “We A/B test outrage. Yesterday we trialed ‘ban daylight savings’ and ‘ban savings daylight.’ Both groups were livid, which we interpret as bipartisanship.”

What the Funny People Are Saying

“He says he’ll unite us by annoying us equally. That’s not a strategy; that’s a leaf blower.” — Ron White
“I’m not saying he’s divisive, but my group chat turned into a Supreme Court.” — Jerry Seinfeld
“He’s bridging the aisle with eye rolls. Infrastructure achieved.” — Bill Burr
“Finally, a candidate who understands America: we agree most when the Wi-Fi is down.” — Trevor Noah

Cause and Effect, in Campaign-Ad Voice

Cause: Universal irritation.
Effect: Shared experience.
Unintended Effect: Surge in noise-canceling headphone sales and bipartisan migraines.

Deduction, Analogy, Statistics

By deduction, if everyone hates something exactly the same amount, then mathematically we are together. By analogy, it’s like national broccoli: no one loves it, but dinner gets quieter. Statistically, the campaign claims a 12-point bump in “equal-opportunity annoyance,” with a confidence interval shaped like a sigh.

The Press Conference That Was Also an Apology Tour

He announced a “National Reconciliation Weekend,” featuring cross-ideological potlucks where libertarians bring unregulated casseroles and social democrats redistribute the brownies. “We’ll break bread and then argue about gluten together,” he said, smiling like a dentist who moonlights as a bar bouncer.

Archival Materials Unearthed From a Filing Cabinet

A previously undisclosed memo titled “Operation Even-Steven” outlines talking points to irk everyone gently: tell coastal elites that Texas is the new Paris, and tell Texans that Paris is the new Texas. Mission accomplished: two coasts mad, one baguette confused.

Conclusion: A Strange, Useful Harmony

Is this unity? The polls hum in a single register: a national, synchronised “tsk.” In a time of fraying threads, maybe the first stitch is a shared eye roll.

Disclaimer

This satirical article is a human collaboration between two sentient beings—the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer—who have annoyed everyone equally by using the phrase “both sides” without irony. No campaign funds were harmed; several were gently side-eyed. Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.

IMAGE GALLERY

Politician Promises to Unite Country by Getting Everyone Equally Mad at Him