Americans Can Now Erase Regret with a $75 Fee and MAGA Loyalty Test
Trump Introduces “Presidential Pardon for Apologies” Program
Americans Can Now Erase Regret with a $75 Fee and MAGA Loyalty Test
MIAMI, FL — In a move that combines the Catholic concept of indulgences with the entrepreneurial flair of a QVC promo, Donald Trump has unveiled a new national service: the “Presidential Pardon for Apologies” program. For a modest $75 fee — or $50 if you own a red tie — citizens can have their past apologies legally stricken from public record.
“Nobody should be haunted by a weak moment,” Trump told a crowd of emotionally repressed fans. “If you said “I’m sorry’ in the past, I can fix that. I’m like a chiropractor for your conscience.”
The application process includes a short quiz: 1) Do you love America? 2) Have you ever said sorry for loving America? 3) If so, how dare you?
Once approved, recipients receive a gold-embossed certificate signed by Trump and stamped with a wax seal shaped like his signature hair swoop.
The Department of Emotional Security has already processed 8,000 applications, mostly from men named Randy and women who’ve ghosted yoga instructors.
Melania was reportedly the first recipient. When asked what she apologized for, she replied, “Accepting this interview.”
Critics claim the program monetizes contrition. Supporters call it “emotional capitalism at its finest.”
Trump hinted at a premium tier: $500 gets you a full emotional cleanse and a personalized insult directed at whoever made you apologize in the first place.
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SOURCES:
How to Be POTUS Without Reading Anything
and
How to Be POTUS Without Ever Apologizing
