Office Plant Funerals
“It Wasn’t Just a Plant. It Was Our Most Stable Coworker.”
The marketing team at SynerTech Solutions gathered by the copy machine this morning to mourn the loss of “Leaf Erickson,” a 3-foot ficus who had graced the open office since pre-pandemic times. The plant was found wilted, surrounded by a spilled LaCroix and a single Post-it that read: “I tried.”
“He gave us oxygen and never asked for a raise,” said team lead Mallory, tearing up. “He was here for all our Q4s. And our breakdowns.”
The service included a printed program, acoustic guitar, and a PowerPoint slideshow of Leaf’s proudest moments: sprouting a new shoot, wearing a Santa hat, and surviving Janine’s vacation watering schedule.
HR approved one hour of “biophilic bereavement leave” and added a grief resource Slack channel named #Photosynthesad.
The new intern read a haiku: “Roots in silent soil / You listened when we complained / Now who will absorb?”
A replacement plant named “Branchie Dearest” has already arrived but remains in a probationary pot. “Trust takes time,” said Mallory.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
