I’m not addicted to caffeine. (Says, twitching.)

Caffeine? What Caffeine? Denial, But Make It Double Shot

Sleep Is for the Weak–And the Honest

“I’m not addicted to caffeine,” they claim, grinding beans at 2AM while their left eyelid twitches and their right hand recites an espresso recipe from memory.

Funny Evidence from the Java Justifiers

One guy drank five cold brews before breakfast and called it “hydration.” Another woman had a coffee tattoo, a French press in her glove box, and screamed “NO ICE!” at a barista like it was a court ruling.

Quote from a Buzzed Denier

“I can stop whenever I want,” said Mocha Mornings. “I just don’t want to. Or plan to. Or physically can.”

Satirical Snapshot

These people think decaf is blasphemy and that energy drinks are a food group. Their blood type is Arabica.

Conclusion: You’re Not Awake–You’re Vibrating at a Frequency Only Bees Understand

Caffeine’s great. Just maybe stop pretending you’re not on the edge when your Fitbit thinks you’re sprinting during a Zoom call.

For more bean-fueled blasphemy, sip satire at bohiney.com