Washington DC Insight

Amazon – DC Technology/Retail

Amazon – Gigantic warehouse of dopamine and cardboard that moonlights as a cloud empire

Technology/Retail

In a stunning turn of events, Amazon today announced it would be delivering human emotions via Prime. Customers can now expect joy, regret, and existential dread within two business days, free shipping included. Jeff Bezos, sporting a cowboy hat and riding a drone, proclaimed, “If you can feel it, we can ship it.” Meanwhile, in the fulfillment centers, workers are being retrained to sort feelings instead of packages, although confusion and existential angst continue to clog the conveyor belts. Amazon Prime Emotions will also feature a subscription model, ensuring customers receive fresh anxiety and FOMO monthly. Experts predict that by 2027, 90% of human relationships will be intermediated by Amazon Alexa’s passive-aggressive sighs. Bezos is rumored to be working on Amazon Marriage Services, with wedding rings delivered via two-day drone airstrike and vows outsourced to GPT models. “Love as a service” is officially here, and your grandma’s heirloom engagement ring is now a Prime Day Lightning Deal. Happy clicking, America.