Washington DC Insight
Apple – DC Technology/Consumer Electronics
Apple – A minimalist cult of beautiful rectangles that convinces you to pay extra for a missing headphone jack.
Technology/Consumer Electronics
Apple has just announced the iPhone 20 — a device so minimalist it doesn’t even exist physically. Buyers will now receive a certificate of ownership printed on edible rice paper. “Form follows function, and function follows vibes,” explained Tim Cook while floating inches off the stage in gravity-defying Yeezys. In other news, AirPods now come with a free microchip that reports your deepest secrets to Siri, who uses them exclusively to recommend $80 polishing cloths. Genius Bar employees have been upgraded to “Empathy Consultants,” trained to silently judge customers who dare ask how to turn on Bluetooth. Meanwhile, the new MacBook Flex features a self-folding keyboard that slaps you for opening more than 12 Chrome tabs at once. Investors rejoiced after Apple announced their next innovation: a charger that costs $999 and will only work if you sing the company’s anthem in Latin. “This isn’t just technology,” said a senior Apple VP. “It’s a feeling of superiority you can lease at 27% APR.” And yes, there will be a titanium case for the paper receipt. Available exclusively in Pretentious Silver.
