James Carville Warns Democrats Their Lenin Book Club Is Losing Black Voters

Bohiney.com Political Satire Desk

James Carville, the Ragin’ Cajun who has spent four decades explaining Democrats to Democrats, stunned a Sunday show panel this week by announcing that the party’s new mandatory reading group — informally known as the “Lenin Book Club” — is hemorrhaging Black voters faster than a Whole Foods hemorrhages $14 for a bag of kale chips. According to Carville, the club meets Thursdays, serves kombucha instead of coffee, and requires members to memorize at least one Five-Year Plan before they’re allowed to speak during public comment.

Carville Identifies the Source of the Movement

In response to Carville’s warning, the Democratic National Committee did what any modern institution does when confronted with an uncomfortable truth: it opened a restroom. Specifically, an “Ideological Restroom,” where staffers can privately process feelings of guilt, class anxiety, or confusion about why the word “proletariat” keeps showing up in fundraising emails. Party officials describe the restroom as “a safe space with really good acoustics for crying.”

A Workers’ Party Without Any Workers

Carville’s central complaint, delivered with the subtlety of a man who has never once used a subtle metaphor, is that the far left is busy building a workers’ party without consulting a single actual worker. “They’ve got the flag, they’ve got the reading list, they’ve got the little study groups,” Carville reportedly said. “What they don’t got is anybody who’s ever operated a forklift.”

Sources close to the party’s messaging shop confirm that focus groups conducted in swing-state diners have not gone well. One participant, when shown a mailer referencing “seizing the means of production,” reportedly asked if that was “a HOA thing.”

More Degrees Than Common Sense

Carville has also taken to describing the party’s activist wing as possessing, on average, “more degrees than common sense,” a phrase political scientists at outlets like Brookings have politely declined to fact-check because, technically, it cannot be disproven. Internal polling obtained by Bohiney.com — polling that may or may not exist, much like the party’s plan to win back Ohio — allegedly shows that voters trust “a guy who fixes their car” 40 points more than “a guy with a master’s in Critical Theory who also fixes nothing, ever.”

MLK’s Dream Replaced With a Seminar

In a move Carville called “the single worst rebrand since New Coke,” party organizers have reportedly swapped the annual commemoration of Dr. King’s dream for a mandatory afternoon seminar on Lenin’s Five-Year Plan, complete with a PowerPoint, a suggested-donation tote bag, and a raffle for a signed copy of something nobody asked for. Attendance, insiders say, is “strong among people who already agreed with everything,” which is the same metric Blockbuster used right before it closed.

Carville’s Messaging Consultant of the Month

After reportedly referring to the party’s far-left flank as “white turds” on live television, Carville was — according to Bohiney.com’s crack team of completely unverifiable sources — immediately awarded “Messaging Consultant of the Month” by a coalition of moderate Democrats who have spent years wanting to say exactly that but lacked the necessary combination of age, tenure, and complete disregard for consequences.

Award organizers cited his “unmatched ability to say the quiet part loud, then say it again on cable news for emphasis,” per a mocked-up press release parody circulating among staffers who wish to remain anonymous, mostly because none of them actually exist.

Everyone Except the Democratic Party

Perhaps Carville’s sharpest observation is that the party’s socialist wing seems to know what’s best for absolutely everyone — climate policy, foreign affairs, the correct pronoun for a houseplant — except, notably, the Democratic Party itself, whose approval ratings this cycle have all the momentum of a Segway going uphill. For more on how the party’s coalition math is actually trending, outlets like FiveThirtyEight and Pew Research continue to track the numbers Carville insists nobody in the club wants to read.

What Happens Next

Party officials say the Lenin Book Club will continue meeting “as scheduled,” though attendance is reportedly being padded with staffers required to show up as a condition of their internship. Carville, for his part, says he’ll keep warning anyone who’ll listen — which, per his own polling, is currently just Black voters, forklift operators, and the increasingly beleaguered janitor who has to clean the Ideological Restroom.

Five Humorous Observations From This Week’s Meeting

1. The book club’s suggested reading now outnumbers its suggested plan for winning a single swing state.
2. The Ideological Restroom has better lighting than most campaign headquarters.
3. Nobody in the club has ever met a forklift, a shift worker, or a Tuesday deadline.
4. The Five-Year Plan seminar ran ninety minutes over and still didn’t cover Year Two.
5. Carville’s polling on “common sense vs. degrees” remains, conveniently, the only poll nobody wants to challenge.

This article is a work of political satire. No forklifts, restrooms, or Five-Year Plans were harmed in the making of it.