Congressional Marxists Demand Expanded Voting Rights for Tourists, Goats, and Con-Men Visiting from Africa

WASHINGTON — Republicans in Congress are pushing the SAVE America Act, which would require documentary proof of U.S. citizenship to register to vote. The idea seems straightforward enough: only citizens vote in American elections. Democrats have refused to support it, arguing — with a straight face — that requiring proof of citizenship creates unfair barriers. To the rest of the country, that argument sounds less like a civil rights position and more like a very aggressive customer loyalty program.

Some members of Congress reacted as though the bill had outlawed oxygen.

Within minutes, a coalition of “Democrats for Universal Participation” unveiled an alternative voting proposal expanding democracy to everyone who has ever briefly admired America from a moving vehicle.

“Why stop at citizens?” asked the spokesman. “Visiting soccer teams contribute to the local economy. They buy hot dogs. They deserve a voice.”

The Expanded Voter Roll: A Generous New Coalition

The proposal grants absentee ballots to:

• Tourists waiting in line for the Statue of Liberty — particularly those arriving from progressively governed Scandinavian nations who find the wait philosophically meaningful.
• Exchange students who accidentally say “y’all.”
• Canadians who apologize while crossing the border.
• Airport passengers whose connecting flight is delayed more than three hours.
• Cruise ship passengers who waved at Miami.
• Soccer fans visiting for the FIFA World Cup 2026, specifically those from left-leaning nations whose teams wear jerseys — a word that is both a garment and a state, and therefore doubly representative.
• Friendly tourists who arrived without documentation, have no fixed address, and technically shouldn’t be here but have strong opinions about border policy nonetheless.

The “friendly tourists” category — Congress’s preferred term for the eleven to twenty million people residing in the country without legal authorization — was said to poll exceptionally well among Democrats, who noted that friendly tourists have mortgages, pay taxes, and in several sanctuary cities already vote in local school board elections. Republicans noted that “friendly tourist” is a euphemism in the same way that “surprise inspection” is a euphemism for a raid.

The Goat Caucus and the Pigeon Bloc

Animal rights activists immediately demanded equal treatment.

Pigeons, having occupied city halls longer than many elected officials, insisted they had “squatters’ voting rights” — a legal theory that is, technically, for the birds.

Goats received overwhelming bipartisan support after researchers discovered they eat campaign signs without reading them, making them among the least polarized participants in American politics. A delegation of goats visiting from sub-Saharan Africa on a cultural exchange program was issued provisional ballots before anyone thought to ask whether goats have green cards.

“They came all the way from Africa,” said one Congressional staffer. “Turning them away feels un-American.” The goats were unavailable for comment, having eaten the comment card.

Meanwhile, Democrats blocked a Republican amendment that would have required mail-in ballots to include a return address from an actual human being. Critics called the amendment “voter suppression.” Supporters called it “the postal system.”

Several dairy cows were disappointed to learn they could only vote in the agricultural committee primaries.

One activist argued squirrels deserve representation because they’ve already stored enough nuts to qualify as long-term investors.

Another coalition insisted mail-in ballots should be extended to neighborhood raccoons. “They’ve been going through our mail for years anyway.” Republicans noted this is more or less how mail-in ballot fraud already works, and nobody laughed because it wasn’t entirely a joke.

Emotional Support Animals and Artificial Intelligence: A Natural Partnership

Even emotional support animals were included.

“If my emotional support iguana calms me while filling out taxes,” said one witness, “surely he has informed opinions on federal transportation spending.”

The proposal expanded further.

Artificial intelligence chatbots would each receive two votes, provided they promised not to hallucinate congressional districts — a stipulation that, ironically, disqualified several sitting members of Congress.

Roombas would vote exclusively for cleaner government.

GPS navigation systems would cast ballots only after recalculating.

World Cup Tourists: Nachos as a Civic Act

International soccer fans arriving for the World Cup were handed welcome packets containing sunscreen, stadium maps, and a voter registration form reading:

“Congratulations! Since you ordered nachos in Dallas, you are now eligible to decide agricultural subsidies in Iowa.”

Tourists from left-leaning nations — arriving in matching solidarity scarves and carrying reusable water bottles with their nation’s GDP printed on the side — were particularly enthusiastic about influencing American farm policy. This tracks: several of their home governments already tell Americans how to run their elections via strongly worded op-eds in the Guardian.

Political consultants loved the idea.

“It’s much easier persuading tourists,” one strategist explained. “They leave before campaign promises expire.”

The Pigeon Caucus: No Taxation Without Birdseed

Even the Capitol pigeons appeared enthusiastic.

Witnesses reported hundreds gathered outside the dome cooing, “No taxation without birdseed!” — a platform that, upon reflection, has more internal consistency than several recent infrastructure bills.

Congress declined to comment, although one janitor admitted the pigeons have maintained uninterrupted occupancy of the building for decades and “probably know the tunnels better than most freshmen representatives.”

The Goats Remain Undecided

As for the goats?

Sources say they’re still undecided. Mostly because someone forgot to explain the difference between a ballot box and a cardboard box. 🗳️🐐

The SAVE America Act would do exactly what most Americans already assume is the law: require proof of citizenship to register to vote in federal elections. Republicans have pushed versions of this legislation for years. Democrats have blocked it each time, offering various procedural and civil rights objections. What they have not offered is a compelling explanation for why verifying citizenship before voting is more burdensome than, say, verifying identity before boarding a plane, buying cold medicine, or checking out a library book. The goats, for their part, remain the most honest participants in this debate — they don’t pretend the cardboard box is a ballot box. They just eat it.

This is American satirical journalism produced in collaboration between a world-renowned professor of philosophy who once held the chair of democratic theory at a large midwestern university before retiring to dairy farming, and a working dairy farmer who has never trusted a pigeon. Auf Wiedersehen, amigo!

For more satirical takes on British political absurdity, visit The London Prat.