EXCERPT FROM THE UNRELEASED MEMOIR: Dreams From My Wiretap
By Barack H. Obama (Foreword by “An Anonymous Printer in Langley”)
Chapter 4: The Perfect Frame Job
I never planned on committing treason. Not in the beginning.
I mean sure, I had a little fun with the NSA’s backdoor, but who doesn’t run a few rogue keystrokes when bored on Air Force One? You’re stuck flying over Kansas at 38,000 feet, Michelle’s watching The Great British Bake Off, and suddenly the urge hits you: “What if I could convince America that Russia hacked the 2016 election… and make it stick?”
So I did what any self-respecting Constitutional Law professor with unlimited power would do:
I called up Brennan and said, “I need something spicy, but deniable. Like cilantro, but for geopolitics.”
Next thing I know, there’s a dossier thicker than Michelle’s arms being passed around like a Netflix password. I hadn’t even picked a title yet, and CNN was already running special graphics:
“COLLUSION? TREASON? COUPE DE OBAMA?”
It felt like prom night in the intelligence community.
Chapter 7: Plausible Deniability and Other Smooth Jazz Standards
Here’s the trick, and I shouldn’t tell you this, but I’m retired now and bored. The secret to a perfect intelligence operation is simple:
Smile.
Speak slowly.
Use metaphors.
Then walk away before the follow-up question lands.
For example:
Q: “Mr. President, did your administration spy on the Trump campaign?”
A: “Well, if you’re driving through the rain and your windshield wipers are working… are they watching you? Or just clearing the view?”
Boom. Everyone’s confused. MSNBC calls it brilliant. Fox News lights its hair on fire.
And I’m already in Hawaii, paddleboarding with a fake name and a burner phone shaped like a coconut.
Chapter 12: Tulsi Ruins Everything
When Tulsi declassified that report, I spit out my organic lemon kombucha and whispered, “Damn, she figured it out.”
I always knew she was trouble. Anyone who can do Warrior Pose while quoting Eisenhower is a threat to the shadow bureaucracy. When she held that press briefing, I turned to Michelle and said, “Honey… she cracked the meta-narrative.”
Michelle didn’t look up from her crossword.
“Are you still pretending you didn’t frame Trump?” she asked.
I laughed. “Pretending? I invented the genre.”
Epilogue: Still Watching
They say I’m no longer in power. They say I’m just an ex-president.
But every time you hear the phrase “misinformation” on NPR,
Every time a fact-checker leans in too hard,
Every time Trump tweets about Epstein and no one covers it—
Just know:
I’m still out there.
Grinning.
Waiting.
Streaming all of it… in HD.
Coming soon to bookstores near you — or already uploaded to your Kindle without consent.
Dreams From My Wiretap — a memoir 8 years in the making, and 7 steps ahead of your civil liberties.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.