Unión del Barrio Announces New Borders of Aztlán, Accidentally Includes Dodger Stadium and a Ross Dress for Less

Subtitle: “We Are Taking Back Our Lands… and Possibly This Clearance Rack.”

By Staff Writers, Bohiney Magazine
— Because Somebody Has to Laugh While They Redraw the Map in Crayon

LOS ANGELES, June 2025 — In a dramatic press conference held inside a community center multipurpose room that usually hosts Zumba, the Los Angeles chapter of Unión del Barrio announced the finalized borders of the reborn nation of Aztlán.

After months of sacred deliberation, vision quests, PowerPoint nights, and one ill-fated ayahuasca-fueled strategy session, the group revealed a newly hand-drawn map of the liberated territories.

“This is our land — from the Rio Grande to the discounted shoe aisle,” declared spokesperson Citlali Del Barrio-X, as she unveiled a tri-fold poster board featuring glitter, string, and one misplaced hot sauce stain.

Unfortunately, the new map included, among other things:

• Dodger Stadium

• A Ross Dress for Less

• A Sephora inside the Glendale Galleria

• Parts of Van Nuys no one asked for

• A parking lot next to a nail salon and two vape shops

“Some lines may need adjusting,” Citlali admitted, “but the spirit of the borders is ancestral.”

Bohiney Insight into the Accidental Empire

Humorous Observations:

• The map was printed at Staples and still had the watermark “Demo Version – Not For Sovereignty.”

• The borders were traced using a churro stick and the memory of someone’s abuelito’s fishing trip.

• They claimed “sacred land” that included an AutoZone and a laundromat with broken vending machines.

• One section labeled “Liberated Cultural Zone” turned out to be the loading dock for a Marshalls.

• Dodger Stadium was included because “our spirits need something to cheer for that isn’t ICE raids.”

• The Ross store manager declined to recognize Aztlán, citing “low margins and confusion over coupons.”

• Protesters tried to plant a flag near the baseball diamond. Security offered them hot dogs to leave.

• They drew a “spiritual border” down the middle of Sunset Boulevard. LAPD called it “adorable.”

• Aztlán’s new capital was listed as “Food Court #3, East Plaza Wing.”

• Sovereignty was revoked temporarily when someone mistook the border line for sidewalk chalk art and washed it off with a hose.

• The DMV was claimed “only for documentation cleansing purposes.” And because nobody wants to wait in line under U.S. rule.

• One neighborhood demanded to be left out of Aztlán. The activists insisted, “We feel your energy anyway.”

• Activists briefly celebrated the inclusion of a Cheesecake Factory, then realized it was an Applebee’s.

• A spirit medium channeled “Moctezuma” during a city planning session. He said, “That area has no parking. Try Glendale.”

Comedian Lines on the Ross-Dodger Map Mixup

“They claimed Dodger Stadium for Aztlán. Have you seen L.A. parking? That’s an act of war.” — Ron White

“They said the Ross was sacred land. Maybe — but only if you’re spiritually aligned with clearance bins.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“You can’t reclaim your ancestors’ homeland and still use Sephora reward points.” — Sarah Silverman

“Their capital is now a food court. I’ve seen better organized kingdoms in the Lego aisle at Target.” — Bill Burr

“They drew their borders based on where the vibes felt good and the rent was tolerable.” — Kevin Hart

“Including Dodger Stadium? Bro, Aztlán better have a pitching rotation.” — Ricky Gervais

“Their border wall is literally a line of potted plants and someone’s abuelita waving a broom.” — Ali Wong

“They said, ‘We want land back!’ Ross said, ‘You’ll have to talk to corporate.’” — Dave Chappelle

“They planted their flag in the parking lot, then moved it to make room for a delivery truck.” — Larry David

“Even colonial empires didn’t conquer a Cheesecake Factory. This is peak gentrified resistance.” — Amy Schumer

“Their army is armed with coupons and scented candles. Good luck storming the suburbs.” — Ron White

“They annexed a Bath & Body Works. The U.N. said, ‘We don’t even know how to respond to that.’” — Sarah Silverman

Aztlán’s Map, By the Numbers

• 6 community meetings (all derailed by snack arguments)

• 19 Sharpies used

• 4 times the borders were redrawn after someone spilled agua fresca on the master copy

• 3 different neighborhoods claimed simultaneously by 2 rival subcommittees

• 1 cease-and-desist letter from the Glendale Galleria

Interview with a Confused Dodger Fan

SpinTaxi met Miguel Robles, age 52, who was just trying to enjoy a game.

“I showed up with my nachos and someone told me I was standing on sacred national territory,” Miguel said. “I thought it was Latino Heritage Night. Turns out it was a border ceremony.”

He continued:

“They tried to give me a passport. I said, ‘Can it wait until the 7th inning?’”

Ross Responds

The Ross Dress for Less inadvertently included in the sovereign plan issued a written response:

“Ross does not take political positions. However, we remain committed to offering 40–70% off department store prices, regardless of border shifts.”

An activist attempted to post Aztlán signage in the handbag section. A sales associate mistook it for a lost child’s craft project and threw it away.

The Cartography Committee Speaks

SpinTaxi interviewed Sandra “Xochitl” Menchaca, 25, head of Aztlán’s Cartographic Justice Subcommittee.

“We didn’t draw borders,” she explained. “We allowed the land to reveal itself through energetic resonance.”

Asked why that led them to include a Chuck E. Cheese, she replied:

“Spiritual joy has no age limit.”

Police Involvement: None. They Were Laughing Too Hard.

A spokesperson for LAPD said they received no official request for intervention:

“They weren’t breaking laws. They were breaking logic.”

Still, the department issued a gentle reminder:

“Please do not plant sacred flags in traffic medians.”

Future Expansions Planned

Unión del Barrio says this is just the beginning. Upcoming expansions include:

• The Glendale Galleria (“rich in ancestral perfume energy”)

• The 405 freeway interchange (“a sacred crossroad of suffering”)

• Disneyland (“we just really want to ride Rise of the Resistance”)

A proposal to include Las Vegas was withdrawn after the map team realized it was “spiritually off-brand.”

Conclusion: An Empire Made of Mall Maps and Intuition

The people of Aztlán may not have conquered their homeland. But they did claim two retail chains, a baseball field, and a metaphysical juice bar.

For 72 hours, they held dominion over what can only be described as the most discounted empire in modern history.

Their motto:
“Wherever there is sidewalk, there is sovereignty.”

Auf Wiedersehen, Unión del Barrio. May your borders be flexible and your receipts always valid.