Local cryptocurrency enthusiast’s comprehensive explanation leaves everyone more confused than before

Local crypto enthusiast Derek Chainsworth finally sat down to explain blockchain technology to his family during Thanksgiving dinner, resulting in a two-hour lecture that somehow made everyone understand it less than before. The 28-year-old, who quit his job to trade NFTs in 2021, used seventeen analogies involving trains, libraries, and distributed ledgers before his aunt faked a heart attack to escape.

The Explanation Nobody Wanted

‘Okay, so imagine a train,’ Chainsworth began, according to witnesses. ‘But the train is also a library. And everyone has a copy of every book. And the books are money. But also art. And nobody’s driving the train because it’s decentralized.’ His father asked if this was a metaphor. ‘No, it’s literally how blockchain works,’ Chainsworth insisted. It was not literally how blockchain works.

According to Wired, crypto enthusiasts attempting to explain blockchain have a 98% failure rate, with most explanations devolving into circular logic and aggressive defensiveness. ‘It’s revolutionary,’ Chainsworth told his confused relatives. ‘It cuts out the middleman.’ When asked what middleman, he responded: ‘Exactly.’ Nobody knew what that meant, including him.

‘Derek said something about mining, but there’s no shovels,’ his grandmother later recounted. ‘Then he mentioned gas fees, but there’s no cars. I think he’s in a cult.’ As Trevor Noah observed: ‘Crypto people explain their currency like they’re describing a dream they had. “Yeah, and then the coins were in a chain, but digital, and Elon Musk was there.” Okay buddy, time for bed.’

Analogies That Made Everything Worse

Chainsworth’s explanations included comparing blockchain to: a Google Doc everyone can see but nobody can edit (wrong), a really secure Excel spreadsheet (not how it works), and ‘digital trust’ (meaningless phrase). TechCrunch reports these analogies are standard among crypto advocates who don’t actually understand the technology they’re promoting.

‘He kept saying it’s the future of money,’ said Chainsworth’s sister, ‘but he also said his portfolio is down 80% and he had to move back in with our parents. That doesn’t seem like the future.’ When family members asked basic questions like ‘Why is this better than regular money?’ Chainsworth responded with increasingly hostile defenses involving phrases like ‘fiat currency,’ ‘decentralized finance,’ and ‘you just don’t get it.’

The Part Where It Got Weird

Forty minutes into the explanation, Chainsworth began discussing something called ‘web3,’ which he defined as ‘the internet but better because blockchain.’ Pressed for specifics, he mentioned that websites would be ‘owned by users through tokens,’ prompting his uncle to ask: ‘So like a co-op?’ Chainsworth became visibly angry. ‘NO. It’s COMPLETELY different. God, you’re all so traditional finance.’

According to Bloomberg, the inability to explain cryptocurrency in plain language is a feature, not a bug. The complexity creates an artificial barrier that makes believers feel intelligent and skeptics feel stupid for asking questions. ‘If I could explain it clearly, people would realize it’s mostly speculation and gambling,’ one anonymous crypto developer admitted.

Nobody Invested After the Talk

Despite Chainsworth’s evangelical enthusiasm, zero family members purchased cryptocurrency following his presentation. ‘He showed us his NFT collection,’ his cousin reported. ‘It was pictures of ugly monkeys that cost $10,000 each. Now they’re worth $47. He says that’s temporary. It’s been two years.’

Forbes notes that most crypto investors cannot articulate their investment thesis beyond ‘number go up’ and ‘it’s revolutionary.’ When Chainsworth was asked about the environmental impact of crypto mining, he said: ‘That’s FUD’ – an acronym meaning ‘fear, uncertainty, and doubt’ used to dismiss legitimate criticism without addressing it.

Bill Burr captured it perfectly: ‘Crypto guys talk about blockchain like it’s magic. “It’s decentralized!” Okay, what does that mean? “It means no banks!” So where’s my money? “In the blockchain!” WHERE IS THAT? “Everywhere!” So nowhere. Got it.’ Chainsworth ended his explanation by encouraging everyone to invest quickly ‘before it goes to the moon,’ a prediction he’s made weekly since 2021. The moon remains unreached. His family has started celebrating Thanksgiving at a restaurant where the tables are far apart.