Pet shenanigans
Golden Retriever Launches Line of Organic Paw Balm, Becomes Influencer Overnight
In a stunning twist of capitalism and chaos, a four-year-old Golden Retriever named Waffles has allegedly launched a successful Etsy store featuring artisanal paw balm, recycled tennis ball chandeliers, and dog-themed affirmation candles. Sources close to the situation (a confused mailman and a jealous cat) confirmed that Waffles has earned over $4,000 in sales and now insists on being addressed as “Sir Waffles, LLC.”
Owner Tricia Mendelson first noticed something was off when her credit card was charged for 100 biodegradable shipping envelopes and a Canva Pro subscription. “I thought I was hacked,” she said. “Turns out, Waffles had been watching YouTube tutorials during naptime.”
Waffles’ signature product, “Toe Beans & Dreams,” claims to be 100% natural and tested exclusively on humans. The label reads, “Handmade with slobber, sass, and a hint of peanut butter.”
Animal psychologist Dr. Lorraine Spindrift warns that this is part of a growing trend of entrepreneurial pets. “We’re seeing a wave of animals monetizing their cuteness, bypassing the gig economy, and cornering the wellness market.”
Meanwhile, rival pets in the neighborhood are furious. A chihuahua named Luna launched a rival Etsy store selling “angry haikus for cats” and accused Waffles of “selling out to Big Bark.”
Tricia has since lost access to her laptop and believes Waffles hired a virtual assistant in the Philippines. “He even ordered business cards,” she said. “They say ‘Chief Barketing Officer.'”
Waffles’ next product? “Mood collars” that change color based on passive-aggressive tail wags. Investors are reportedly circling. Mark Cuban was seen sniffing the packaging.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
