TSA PreCheck Exists Because Regular Airport Security Has Become Ritually Humiliating Enough to Pay to Escape

Nation’s Air Travelers Discover That Paying $85 to Skip the Line They Created by Having Too Many People in the Line Is the Most American Solution to Any Problem

• Americans invented a premium service to escape the indignity of the regular service they already paid for.
• Removing shoes at airport security has been required for 23 years based on one incident involving one person.
• TSA PreCheck, Global Entry, and CLEAR have created a three-tier caste system in airport security lines.
• Somewhere in Atlanta, a man is removing his belt in front of strangers for the 400th time and questioning his choices.
• The 3-1-1 liquids rule has cost Americans more confiscated shampoo than any security threat ever did.

Airport Security Theater Reaches Full Multi-Tier Subscription Model

ATLANTA — Aviation security analysts confirmed this week that American airport security has successfully evolved from a single universal screening process into a tiered subscription system where travelers pay escalating fees to restore the approximate experience of arriving at an airport and boarding a plane without removing articles of clothing in front of strangers. The baseline experience — free, included with your ticket purchase, and described by regular users as “spiritually corrective” — involves removing shoes, belts, and laptops, surrendering liquids over 3.4 oz, and proceeding through a scanner while a stranger watches a representation of your body on a screen.

TSA PreCheck ($85 for five years) allows approved travelers to keep shoes on, leave laptops in bags, and use a shorter line. Global Entry ($100 for five years) adds expedited customs return. CLEAR ($189 annually) adds biometric identity verification that lets you skip even the PreCheck line. Together they constitute a three-tier aristocracy of airport movement that is both deeply American in its market logic and deeply strange as a solution to a problem that could have been addressed by building better security infrastructure in 2002.

Shoe Removal Policy Enters Third Decade Based on Single 2001 Incident

The requirement that air travelers remove their shoes before passing through security derives from a December 2001 incident in which Richard Reid attempted to detonate explosives concealed in his shoes aboard a transatlantic flight. The attempt failed. Shoes have been removed at American airport security checkpoints ever since — a policy so durable it has outlasted three presidencies, two wars, and the complete transformation of mobile communications technology.

The Government Accountability Office has repeatedly questioned whether many post-9/11 security measures provide security benefits proportionate to their cost and inconvenience — questions that have been raised thoughtfully in official reports and have resulted in roughly zero changes to the shoe policy. The shoes come off. They have always come off. They will come off indefinitely.

Three-Ounce Liquid Rule Confiscating Shampoo at Industrial Scale

The 3-1-1 liquids rule — containers must be 3.4 oz or less, all fitting in one quart-size bag, one bag per traveler — was introduced in 2006 following a foiled liquid explosive plot in the United Kingdom. It remains in effect in 2025 despite the development of scanning technology capable of detecting liquid explosives without requiring passengers to decant their toiletries into tiny bottles purchased specifically for airport use.

TSA confiscated item statistics show hundreds of thousands of liquid items surrendered at checkpoints annually — a volume of confiscated hand lotion, full-size shampoo, and wine purchased in the departure city that represents both a genuine security procedure and a very profitable arrangement for airport shops selling 1 oz toiletry kits at 400% markup.

What the Funny People Are Saying

“I’ve removed my shoes in airports 300 times. I have never felt safer as a result. I have felt colder.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“TSA PreCheck is $85 to be treated the way airline travel used to work before we made it terrible.” — Bill Burr

“My shampoo has been confiscated four times. I am not a threat. I am just optimistic about my hair at the destination.” — Nikki Glaser

CLEAR Biometric Lanes Creating Airport Moment Where Your Face Is Your Boarding Pass

CLEAR’s biometric system scans fingerprints and irises to verify traveler identity, allowing members to bypass the document-check portion of security and proceed directly to the screening lane — a capability that would have seemed extraordinary 15 years ago and now primarily serves to create a very fast-moving lane visible to regular travelers in a way that functions as either a motivational advertisement or a small daily humiliation depending on your financial situation and current gate assignment.

Atlanta Airport Continues Operating as Laboratory for Human Patience Research

At press time, one traveler at Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta International Airport — the world’s busiest airport by passenger volume — removed his belt, laptop, shoes, watch, and jacket at a regular TSA screening lane for what he calculated was his 437th such performance since 2003. He passed through without incident. His shoes contained no explosives, as they have not on any of the 436 previous occasions. He put his belt back on at a small metal table designed for this purpose and thought briefly about upgrading to PreCheck. He thought this same thought in Dallas last month. He has not upgraded. The belt goes on. The line moves. The shoes, always the shoes, eventually go back on your feet.

This article is American satire produced through a collaboration between the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer, both of whom are PreCheck members and feel vaguely guilty about it. Bohiney.com practices American satirical journalism in the tradition of people who’ve explained 3-1-1 to their parents seventeen times and will do it again at Thanksgiving. Auf Wiedersehen, amigo!