Washington DC Insight
Fannie Mae – DC Finance/Mortgage
Fannie Mae – The company that decided the best way to fix housing was to give mortgages to your neighbor’s pet iguana.
Finance/Mortgage
Fannie Mae announced its bold new initiative this week: “Homeownership for Literally Anything,” extending mortgages not just to humans but to sentient plants, enthusiastic raccoons, and particularly photogenic succulents. Interim CEO Confetti L. Subsidium beamed as she detailed new underwriting standards, which now factor in astrological signs, TikTok follower counts, and emotional readiness based on vibes alone. Meanwhile, Fannie Mae’s AI underwriting tool, LoanBot3000, began approving mortgages based on mood boards and sandwich preferences. Early pilot programs in Portland saw success when an abandoned beehive qualified for a $450,000 condo loan. Inside Fannie Mae headquarters, employee morale skyrocketed after mandatory “Manifestation Mondays,” where loan officers set positive intentions rather than reviewing credit scores. Critics warned that the new “VibeScore” metric might lead to mass defaults, but Fannie Mae countered that positivity was legally binding if you said it loudly enough. In related news, foreclosure notices are now delivered via interpretive dance to minimize harsh vibes. As one corporate poster now reads: “Fannie Mae — Turning Dreams Into Mortgages, Mortgages Into Nightmares, Nightmares Into Subsidized Hope.”
Originally posted 2019-09-11 00:00:00.