Pre-Workout Disasters
“I Just Wanted Gains, Not a Portal to the Nether Realm.”
Witnesses at FlexZone Gym in Bakersfield, California report that 27-year-old fitness enthusiast Chad “Alpha” Remington may have opened a gateway to hell during his pre-workout ritual. The incident occurred after Chad consumed a self-made supplement cocktail consisting of six scoops of creatine, three expired protein powders, two raw eggs, ghost pepper extract, and something labeled “Mysterious Jungle Pre-Blend” from a sketchy Amazon seller named GYMKRIEG420.
“I wanted to get shredded for leg day,” Chad told paramedics while convulsing gently and speaking in tongues. “But now I think I’m possessed by the spirit of an anabolic centaur named Greg.”
Within minutes of ingesting the mixture, gymgoers noticed strange phenomena: the power rack began levitating, the treadmill reversed its incline autonomously, and the gym mirror reflected an image of Chad flexing in ancient Roman armor.
“He did one squat and the walls started bleeding whey,” said eyewitness Kyle, still holding his protein shake like a shield. “Then he screamed, ‘BEASTMODE ETERNAL,’ and bench-pressed a vending machine.”
EMTs arrived but were repelled by the overwhelming smell of synthetic blueberry rage and unrepentant masculinity. The gym manager attempted to calm the scene with essential oils and Enya, but the Bluetooth speaker exploded.
Experts believe Chad may have stumbled upon a forbidden combination of nitric oxide and eldritch amino acids. “It’s not a pump,” said Dr. Helena Grundy, professor of Paranormal Kinetics at UC Fresno. “It’s an awakening.”
As Chad entered his fourth consecutive set of deadlifts, glowing runes appeared on the gym floor and a swirling vortex opened near the yoga mats. One yoga instructor was briefly pulled into the void but returned minutes later more flexible and enlightened. “I saw all eight limbs of Vishnu and none of them skipped leg day,” she whispered.
Chad’s social media following has exploded since the incident. His new YouTube channel, “HELLTH GAINS,” already has over 600,000 subscribers. His first merch drop–shirts that say “Pre-Workout is My God”–sold out in six hours.
However, there are consequences. A local CrossFit cult has declared Chad their “Chosen One” and built him a throne of kettlebells. The mayor of Bakersfield has officially declared “Zero Carb Friday” in honor of Chad’s bravery and sacrifice.
Despite warnings from exorcists and dietitians, Chad continues to train, now followed by a ghostly spotted hyena that appears during his cooldown stretches. “It’s probably my spirit animal,” he said. “Or maybe just Greg.”
Supplement companies are scrambling to replicate his formula. GNC announced a new line called “Pre-Wrath: The Forbidden Stack,” which comes with a waiver, a sacrificial goblet, and a Spotify playlist of Gregorian trap music.
When asked what he plans to do next, Chad said, “I’m thinking leg day, then maybe open a hell-themed smoothie bar.”
As of this writing, FlexZone Gym remains closed for spiritual fumigation. Chad has not been seen since benching a rowing machine, but his vapor trail of Axe body spray lingers like incense in a protein-scented cathedral.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
