The Battle of the Broski Battalion – Inappropriate Texts
One Woman’s Accidental Discovery of Her Boyfriend’s Medieval Group Chat
By Bohiney Magazine Staff | Certified 127% Funnier Than The Onion
A Lasagna-Laced Scandal That Has Shaken the Foundations of Trust, Testosterone, and Tupperware
It all started with a lasagna. Not a metaphorical lasagna. A literal, steaming, multi-layered dish of cheesy seduction, delivered by a woman named Lucy—now known in underground feminist circles as The Duchess of Ricotta. It was this dish, and the male brain’s inability to separate sexual desire from pasta, that ignited what historians are already calling “The Battle of the Broski Battalion.”
A young woman—let’s call her “Emma” to preserve the innocence she once had before discovering her partner’s phone—was innocently living her life when a friend shared screenshots of a group chat. Not a group chat. The group chat. A digital locker room of men performing cognitive stripteases, flexing their darkest, dumbest inner dialogues with all the subtlety of a fart at a funeral.
What she found was not just misogyny—it was gourmet misogyny. Marinated in objectification, simmered in disrespect, and finished with a sprinkle of “banter” as a lazy garnish.
“I Wouldn’t Ride Her Into Battle” and Other Medieval Relationship Tactics
The phrase, “I wouldn’t ride her into battle,” has become the rallying cry of emotionally bankrupt men across the internet. It suggests that women are either warhorses or war whores, with no option in between. Several historians confirmed the quote was last used by a 13th-century knight moments before getting crushed by a trebuchet and ghosted by his squire.
Dr. Harmony Tealeaf, Professor of Gendered Linguistics at the University of Woke Studies, explains:
“The statement isn’t just sexist—it’s battlefield LARPing. These men think relationships are Call of Duty and their girlfriends are loadouts.”
She continued, “Comparing women to military vehicles implies two things: 1) they can be traded in for newer models, and 2) they should come with cupholders and armor plating.”
The Lasagna Seductress and Other Forms of Culinary Temptation
Inappropriate Texts
One of the more puzzling entries in the group chat referred to Lucy—Emma’s friend—as “trying to seduce me with lasagna.” Forensic relationship expert Randy Greaves believes this could mark the first confirmed case of pastafilia, a condition where romantic affection is triggered by baked Italian dishes.
“We’ve known about food fetishes—feet in peanut butter, whipped cream on body parts—but this is different,” Greaves said. “This is strategic seduction via béchamel.”
Lucy, who remains blissfully unaware of the turmoil her three-cheese casserole has caused, released a short statement:
“It’s just lasagna, you weirdos.”
The Science Behind Group Chats: Why Four Men in a Chat Become One Functioning Brain Cell
Psychologists at the Institute of Dumb Male Behavior have long studied “Group Chat Regression,” a phenomenon in which male intelligence deteriorates in proportion to the number of bros involved.
Dr. Marvin Stump, who coined the term “Brodementia,” elaborated:
“When four men are in a chat without women present, their collective IQ is divided by the number of unread messages.”
According to Stump’s research, messages that start with “Would you?” end with reputations in flames. The only thing more consistent than their objectification is their overuse of the fire emoji.
Community Response: Is It Harmless Banter or Weaponized Immaturity?
The public response has been split down the middle like a poorly executed marriage proposal.
One side defends the chat as “harmless dude talk,” claiming the men are just playing “Fantasy Tinder” like it’s Dungeons & Dragons with zero self-awareness and unlimited Red Bull.
The other side sees it as a “walking red flag factory,” mass-producing reasons to stay single and download a lesbian dating app out of sheer exasperation.
The Ethics of Snooping: Digital Privacy or Girl Code Mission?
Boyfriend’s Group Chat
The original discovery was made not by Emma, but by her friend—who, in a twist worthy of a telenovela, was “casually checking” her own boyfriend’s phone for signs of cheating.
She found nothing… except a thousand reasons to call a group therapist and maybe a priest.
Now Emma’s left with an ethical dilemma:
Does she confront her boyfriend and risk outing her friend as a digital spy? Or does she pretend she didn’t read the phrase “Must be a s— shag” directed at her bestie and just keep eating Lucy’s lasagna in silence?
Expert Opinions Nobody Asked For But We Got Anyway
Inappropriate Texts
Relationship Coach Tiffani Fomo:
“These men suffer from Emotional Erectile Dysfunction. They can get hard at an Instagram reel but go limp when it’s time to communicate empathy.”
Male Rights Advocate and Podcast Host Chad AlphaWolf69:
“This is why men need their own space to dehumanize people in peace. If we can’t say stupid things in private, how will we ever evolve into the emotionally literate mammals women want?”
AI Relationship Advisor (Beta Model, Male-Trained):
“Maybe if Lucy wants less attention, she should stop cooking with so much cheese.”
Group Chat: “The Broski Battalion”
Inappropriate Texts…
(An all-male group chat with enough toxic masculinity to power a UFC pay-per-view)
Brad:
Yo, would you smash Emma?
Troy:
Nah man. I wouldn’t ride her into battle. Maybe into a Taco Bell parking lot at 2 AM, but not battle.
Kyle:
She’s hot but like… tactical hot. Like if your PlayStation broke and she worked at GameStop.
Ryan:
Bro… what about Katie? You seen her lately?
Brad:
Yeah. I don’t get it. With a body like that, she must be a terrible shag. No way someone stays single that long unless she’s got Wi-Fi dead zones in the bedroom.
Troy:
LMAO. Or she makes that weird humming noise mid-snog. Like a car engine trying to die.
Kyle:
My missus has that friend Lucy… man, I swear she’s trying to seduce me with lasagna. Every time I see her, she’s bringing over that cheesy, bubbling, forbidden fruit.
Ryan:
Careful bro. That’s how wars start. One layer of ricotta and suddenly you’re doing the walk of shame past your own fridge.
Friend Who Found the Messages (anonymously to her BFF):
“So… I wasn’t snooping… I was ‘checking for malware.’ On my boyfriend’s phone. Long story short: I found that group chat. And girl, your man said some things… Like ‘wouldn’t ride you into battle’ level things. About your friends. Including Lucy. And the lasagna.”
BFF’s Brain (in meltdown mode):
“So my boyfriend thinks my friends are hot, my cooking is tactical, and my bestie’s béchamel is a threat to our relationship. Fantastic.”
What We Learned:
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Group chats are the unsanitized sewage line of the male subconscious.
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Lasagna is apparently the new lingerie.
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If you wouldn’t ride her into battle, maybe she shouldn’t cook you breakfast.
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If your man’s group chat has a name like “Broski Battalion,” run. Don’t walk. RUN.
Comedian Lines
“I wouldn’t ride her into battle? Bro, you’re a junior account manager at Verizon. The only battle you’ve seen is over free Wi-Fi at Starbucks.” — Jerry Seinfeld
“Men think group chats are sacred. No, bro, they’re just evidence exhibits waiting for court.” — Ron White
“If lasagna is your seduction language, maybe you’re not horny—you’re just iron deficient.” — Sarah Silverman
“‘Must be a bad shag’—says the man whose idea of foreplay is microwaving a Hot Pocket and grunting.” — Larry David
“This ain’t locker room talk—it’s dumpster talk with Wi-Fi.” — Roseanne Barr
“Next time I hear ‘I wouldn’t ride her into battle,’ I hope she shows up in full armor and runs him over with a chariot.” — Amy Schumer
Inappropriate Texts Disclaimer
This article was produced in full collaboration between two sentient beings: a cowboy and a farmer. No AI has ever said “I wouldn’t ride her into battle” because even bots know better. All lasagna references are purely fictional, unless Lucy is real, in which case—thank you for your service.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
