“Good Vibes Only” Cults
“If You Cry, Please Do It Silently in a Gratitude Pose.”
A well-meaning yoga collective in Sedona has unintentionally transformed into a full-fledged cult after members adopted a strict “good vibes only” philosophy that now forbids expressing doubt, sadness, or questioning the leadership’s crystal inventory. The group, originally named *BreatheFree*, now goes by *The Harmonium of Vibe Ascendants* and sells branded silence jars for $40 apiece.
“We’re not a cult,” insisted leader Skylar Beam (née Karen Wallace), while seated atop a geode throne. “We’re a vibration optimization ecosystem with mandatory smiling and robe days.”
Former members describe forced laughter circles, punitive eye contact, and an incident known only as “The Giggle Purge.” One woman was reportedly exiled for “bringing low-vibration hummus” to a potluck.
“They told me my boundaries were blocking the group’s aura alignment,” said ex-member Tessa. “Then they made me chant affirmations into a mirror until I disassociated.”
The group’s latest decree bans the word “no,” claiming it “fractures communal frequency.” Instead, members are instructed to say “not currently harmonious.”
Local authorities have been slow to intervene. “Technically, they’re just stretching and smiling too hard,” said Sheriff McGlynn. “Not illegal. Just weird.”
The group has applied for tax-exempt status as a “non-denominational vibratory temple.” Their chief fundraiser? $88 “detox laughter sessions” where participants pay to be complimented by a gong.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
