Fake Service Dogs
“He Said the Lizard Calms His Pancake Anxiety.”
Authorities at a Tucson Denny’s were forced to intervene when customer Kyle Brinker arrived with his “service iguana,” Velcro, who wore a tiny vest reading “EMOTIONAL REPTILE DO NOT PET UNLESS YOU GET IT.” Staff became suspicious after Velcro attempted to eat a napkin and later sunbathed on a heat lamp Kyle smuggled in inside his hoodie.
“He told us Velcro detects syrup imbalance and provides chakra support,” said assistant manager Terri. “Honestly, the lizard was the calmest customer in the building. But still, it’s a lizard.”
Kyle purchased the vest from an Etsy shop called *BeastModeTherapy* which also sells support skunk booties and possum wigs “for confidence.”
When questioned, Kyle said Velcro prevents him from rage-tweeting at baristas and “sensing betrayal in breakfast menus.”
Legal experts say fake service animal gear is a growing issue, especially among emotionally unstable influencers and people who just want to bring ducks to yoga.
Denny’s now has a sign that reads “Service Animals Only–No Lizards, Even If They Vibe.”
Velcro is reportedly unbothered. Kyle has since applied for emotional support status for his vintage Roomba.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
