Essential Oil Evangelists
“It’s Not Broken. It’s Energetically Inflamed.”
Kevin Lightly, a 42-year-old essential oil distributor and part-time vibes consultant, was stranded on I-70 for six hours after attempting to heal his Prius’s flat tire with a blend of peppermint, frankincense, and “pure intentions.” AAA declined to respond after learning the incident involved “non-mechanical, chakra-aligned solutions.”
“I didn’t need a jack,” Kevin explained. “I needed grounding. The car was spiritually deflated.”
Eyewitnesses say Kevin was seen massaging the tire with carrier oil while chanting “inflate the self, inflate the wheel.” He then placed crystals in a pentagram around the vehicle and misted the area with “road-safe lavender.”
Traffic backed up for miles. One trucker called the scene “burning man but sad.”
When asked why he didn’t just change the tire, Kevin replied, “Tension manifests where we least expect it. Sometimes as anxiety, sometimes as a Goodyear rupture.”
The incident has gone viral under the hashtag #FlatTireFaith. Opinions are split. Some admire Kevin’s commitment to holistic road safety. Others just want their commute back.
AAA issued a formal statement: “We respect spiritual practices, but coconut oil is not an adhesive.”
Kevin remains undeterred. He’s launched a YouTube series called *Auto Alignment: Fixing Cars With Frequency,* and is developing a new oil blend called “Michelin Manifestation.”
His Prius remains parked and fragrant, attracting bees and confused influencers.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
