Trump Demands Ayatollah “Shave Beard Immediately” and Be Replaced by a Clean-Shaven Leader Who “Respects Razors and Democracy”

By Staff Writers at Bohiney Magazine — Now 127% Funnier Than The Onion

PALM BEACH, FL — Former President Donald J. Trump has issued what he calls a “hair-raising ultimatum” to Iran’s ruling clerics: shave the beard, or shave the regime.

Speaking at a Mar-a-Lago brunch fundraiser (theme: “Oil and Caviar: A Freedom Celebration”), Trump veered off-script and launched into a follicular tirade.

“I’ve seen the Ayatollah’s beard. Folks, it’s not just a beard—it’s a curtain of oppression. You can’t trust a guy who hides half his face and all his intentions!”

Trump demanded that Iran’s next Supreme Leader be “clean-shaven, preferably with a strong chin, or at least a visible one.”

“Look, George Washington didn’t have a beard. Abraham Lincoln? Okay, but he was honest. The Ayatollah? Not honest. Big beard. Huge. He’s hiding something in there—maybe uranium. Maybe bad breath. We don’t know.”

White House officials did not comment, but sources confirmed that Trump also suggested Gillette sponsor Iran’s leadership transition, calling it the “closest shave since the Cuban Missile Crisis.”

Iranian clerics responded with a unified fatwa declaring razors “tools of Western vanity.” Ayatollah Jalali claimed shaving “would dishonor the sacred insulation of the jawline.”

Still, international buzz grew after Hassan Khomeini was seen near a Sephora kiosk, raising questions about beard oils, grooming intentions, and whether a five o’clock shadow could unify the revolution.

In related news: the Assembly of Experts has added a “Facial Hair Clause” to its next Supreme Leader application, requiring all candidates to describe their beard’s political alignment in 300 words or less.

God help the goatees.

Succession Turns Into Clerical Reality Show

Qom-Ye Old Timey, Iran — As Israeli missiles reduce command bunkers to fine Persian talc and Donald Trump tweets Iran’s coordinates like he’s doxxing a bad Yelp review, inside Tehran’s most fortified basement an even more violent drama unfolds: Iran is trying to replace its Supreme Leader before the Wi-Fi goes out.

With 86-year-old Ayatollah Ali Khamenei in hiding—reportedly beneath a holy shrine, a decoy mosque, or possibly in the beard of a larger ayatollah—the clerical regime is in panic mode. The race to crown a new unelected, unaccountable, all-powerful man in black robes has become Iran’s most-watched political event since Who Wants to be a Fatwa-Millionaire?

“Contingency planning is now mission-critical,” said one Revolutionary Guard source, speaking under the condition of maximum beard obscurity.

According to five Iranian insiders, the emergency succession plan—code-named Operation Beard Transfer—has entered “top gear,” which in Iranian bureaucracy means a meeting with tea and shouting every third Wednesday.

The Supreme Hide-and-Seek Champion

Since the first Israeli strikes, Khamenei has reportedly gone dark. Intelligence analysts say he’s currently being protected by the elite Vali-ye Amr unit of the Revolutionary Guards, who specialize in guarding Very Old Things That Yell At You.

“He’s in hiding,” one official confirmed. “But not because he’s scared. No, no. He just really hates sunlight, accountability, and hearing the words ‘reformist uprising.’”

In a pre-recorded message accidentally uploaded to a local goat auction YouTube channel, Khamenei said, “Whoever replaces me must preserve the revolution… or at least keep the hats pointy.”

Two Clerics, One Throne

The current shortlist of heirs apparent includes two men with epically underwhelming résumés and painfully awkward surnames:

• Mojtaba Khamenei – the Ayatollah’s son, a mid-ranking cleric who teaches “Obedience and Beard Grooming” in Qom and has never held elected office.

• Hassan Khomeini – the late Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini’s grandson, who is so reformist he once said, “Maybe women can have jobs. Or hair. Or opinions.”

“Mojtaba’s never been elected, appointed, or even seen voting. He’s like Iran’s Bigfoot—mythical, blurry, and rumored to hate women drivers,” noted Tehran-based political cartoonist Hamed Rashti.

In contrast, Hassan Khomeini has been barred from official positions for the crime of “smiling ambiguously in public.” His supporters see him as a softer face for Iran, while critics say his bloodline is “too 1980s” and reminds the populace of VHS repression.

Still, sources say he offers the illusion of choice. “We need a leader who can both crush dissent and hashtag it tastefully,” said one senior Assembly of Experts member between bites of walnut baklava.

A Theocracy’s “Succession,” But Make It Slower and Sadder

“This is basically Succession with fewer helicopters and more turbans,” said London-based Iranian analyst Hossein Rassam. “And unlike Logan Roy, Khamenei hasn’t even cursed anyone in English—just hundreds of death sentences in Persian.”

Iranian television has already begun teasing the contest as a national reality show titled The Beard Must Go On, featuring ten clerics, two survivors, and one heavily sedated public.

The Assembly of Experts, 88 deeply confused elderly men chosen through elections monitored by the country’s “Hardline Approval Committee for Absolutely Nothing Fun,” will eventually cast their votes—probably via fax, or pious whisper.

Trump Throws Gasoline On the Fire

Former President Trump, recently re-verified on X (formerly Twitter, now “Exaggeration”), poured fuel on the fire by declaring:
“We know exactly where the so-called ‘Supreme Leader’ is hiding. He’s an easy target—like Rosie O’Donnell, but sneakier.”

According to U.S. officials, this tweet doubled as official U.S. foreign policy, GPS coordinates, and the final straw for the Iranian cyber division, which tried to respond but forgot the login for their government Instagram.

Comedian Lines from the Edge of Clerical Collapse

“Khamenei’s in hiding, but let’s be honest—at 86, he’s been hiding from stairs for a decade.” — Ron White

“Iran’s choosing a Supreme Leader while under attack. That’s like picking a wedding cake while your bakery’s on fire.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“If Mojtaba Khamenei had a slogan, it’d be: Like Father, Like Fist.” — Larry David

“Trump said Khamenei’s an easy target. This from a man who once lost a golf ball mid-tweet.” — Dave Chappelle

“Hassan Khomeini wants reforms. In Iran, that’s considered both a campaign and a felony.” — Trevor Noah

“The new Supreme Leader must be both pious and popular. That’s like asking a monk to win ‘Dancing with the Stars.’” — Ali Wong

“You know your country’s in trouble when your top choices are Daddy’s Boy or Dead Grandpa’s Intern.” — Amy Schumer

“Iran’s Assembly of Experts is 88 men. Which is coincidentally how many minutes they take to agree on which teacups to use.” — Groucho Marx

The People Are… Not Impressed

A recent SnapPoll™ conducted by SpinTaxi outside a Tehran carpet shop found that 67% of Iranians believe the next Supreme Leader will be:

• “Another angry guy in robes” (41%)

• “Chosen by a secret cabal of ghosts and cats” (26%)

• “Probably Mojtaba, even though nobody asked for it” (22%)

• “Wait, didn’t we have an election last year?” (11%)

On Instagram, trending hashtags include #AyatollahSwap, #ClericTok, and #SupremeLimpet, referring to the leaders’ tendency to cling to power like a barnacle on a burning ship.

Mojtaba: The Unseen Prince of Darkness

Despite being the son of the Supreme Leader, Mojtaba Khamenei is rarely photographed and even less frequently quoted. That’s because he spends most of his time in Qom, grading theology papers and instructing goats to bow eastward.

“He’s like the wizard behind the curtain,” said Mehran F., a former seminary student. “Except the wizard charges tuition and yells at you for blinking too loudly.”

He was sanctioned by the U.S. Treasury in 2019 for allegedly “pretending to be important in a very official capacity.”

Hassan Khomeini: The Reformist They’ll Never Let Win

Hassan Khomeini, on the other hand, enjoys backing from Iran’s reformist wing, which consists of one former president, three poets, and a really tired DJ. Despite being Khomeini’s literal heir, he was disqualified from elections in 2016 for being “too smiley.”

He once called for “easing restrictions on women and youth,” a statement that in Iran is punishable by 15 years of metaphorical exile and zero invitations to Friday prayers.

Yet, he appeals to the international community as a bridge figure.
“He wears socks,” said one U.N. diplomat. “That’s a good sign.”

Meanwhile, on the Battlefield…

Back in the real war, Israeli and American strikes have decimated Iranian infrastructure, assassinated high-ranking officials, and confused most of the Iranian Air Force, which was last seen firing at clouds “just in case.”

The sudden deaths of key Revolutionary Guard commanders have further scrambled succession logistics. One cleric reportedly suggested just electing whoever’s “still breathing and owns a cane.”

Khamenei, once viewed as invincible, is now reportedly under medical care in a location so secret, Google Maps has labeled it “Oops.”

The Dying Bench

Most potential successors have already been removed by age, fate, or mysterious helicopter scheduling errors.

• Hashemi Rafsanjani – Dead.

• Mahmoud Hashemi Shahroudi – Also dead.

• President Ebrahim Raisi – Helicopter crash in 2024. Conspiracy theorists say the chopper “heard the polling data and nosedived in shame.”

• Sadegh Larijani – Sidelined due to political irrelevance and suspiciously smooth cheeks.

This leaves Iran with a dwindling cast of contenders and a growing realization that no one—not even Mojtaba or Khomeini—has the gravitas, charisma, or meme-ability to command Iran the way Khamenei did.

16 Observations from Inside the Supreme Sideshow

• Khamenei reportedly had to fill out three forms to authorize his own disappearance.

• Iran’s version of Succession stars two guys who’ve never filled out a résumé.

• Mojtaba is the only world leader who teaches theology and dodgeball simultaneously.

• Hassan Khomeini is a reformist—meaning he believes in sunlight and dental care.

• Trump calling Khamenei an “easy target” is like a clown mocking a sniper.

• Vali-ye Amr’s elite security training includes tea service and deep frowning.

• Assembly of Experts: 88 clerics, 88 opinions, 0 urgency.

• Iran’s youth want a TikTok cleric. They’re getting a fax machine in a turban.

• Mojtaba reportedly grades papers based on “piety” and “penmanship of the oppressed.”

• Hassan was banned for “ambiguity of facial expression.” Iran takes smiles very seriously.

• Assembly of Experts last voted in 1989. Half of them still think VHS is state-of-the-art.

• Mojtaba wants to avoid monarchy optics—so he’ll rule from the shadows, like Batman, but angrier.

• The new requirement for leader: Must be breathing and own at least one beard comb.

• Revolutionary Guards may install a puppet leader—rumored to be a horse with a PhD.

• Khamenei gained power by being underestimated. Now that’s Mojtaba’s entire brand strategy.

• The job is still called “Supreme Leader.” Which sounds more like a Taco Bell special.

Final Thoughts From Tehran’s Deepest Bunker

As one senior cleric reportedly whispered to a cat, “We need continuity, authority, and snacks.” The Iranian regime, bleeding both legitimacy and capable leaders, now teeters between hardline survivalism and reluctant evolution.

Whether Iran crowns another invisible cleric, rolls out the reformist in Nike sandals, or installs a puppet in the shape of a beard with legs—one thing remains certain:

The beard will go on.

And so too will the jokes.

BREAKING NEWS:

Clerics Binge-Watch ‘Succession’ in Secret to Learn How to Be Meaner in Public

QOM, IRAN — In an unprecedented breach of austerity, several senior Iranian clerics were caught binge-watching HBO’s Succession inside a seminary projection room, reportedly taking notes on “verbal cruelty, chair dominance, and strategic brooding.”

“They’re on season three now,” leaked one seminary janitor. “Ayatollah Karimi keeps muttering, ‘I am the eldest boy’ every time someone questions his sermon.”

The Succession obsession reportedly began when one cleric Googled “how to consolidate power without being charming.” The search returned Logan Roy clips. Within weeks, meetings were being interrupted by arguments over whether saying “f*** off” in Farsi carried the same weight.

Insiders confirm the Assembly of Experts recently hosted a Succession-themed retreat, where robes were swapped for bespoke suits and every speech was followed by 20 seconds of silence and eye contact.

One young cleric was disciplined for quoting Kendall Roy during Friday prayers: “I’m better than you. I’m more spiritual than you. I read the Quran backwards while blindfolded.”

An emergency fatwa now forbids “HBO-induced arrogance” during prayer time, but many believe the damage is done.

“They’ve learned too much,” whispered a concerned scholar. “I saw one cleric stage a mock inheritance dispute just to test out his ‘dead-eyed stare.’”

Iran’s revolution may be spiritual—but now, it’s also prestige TV.

Ayatollah’s Netflix History Accidentally Leaked: All Seasons of Gossip Girl, Rewatched Weekly

TEHRAN — Chaos erupted in clerical circles after hackers leaked Supreme Leader Khamenei’s alleged Netflix viewing history, revealing a disturbing addiction: all six seasons of Gossip Girl, rewatched 17 times.

“Praise be to Allah, but also… XOXO,” read a cryptic tweet from the Ayatollah’s recently suspended burner account, @ChadorDaddy88.

The revelation has stunned the theocratic establishment. The leak shows consistent viewing spikes during key international events: one rewatch began during U.S. sanctions, another during protests, and one suspiciously aligned with his annual physical.

“He skipped House of Cards and The Crown, but Gossip Girl? This man thirsts for Manhattan intrigue,” said one cybersecurity expert.

In seminary dorms, memes exploded overnight. One popular edit shows Khamenei’s face over Blair Waldorf’s with the caption: “Revolution, but make it couture.”

Ayatollah-loyalist channels scrambled to spin the story. One cleric claimed it was “an advanced espionage training module disguised as Western media.” Another suggested he was “researching the dangers of immoral headbands.”

But not all are upset.

“He’s human. We all have our guilty pleasures,” said Hassan Khomeini. “At least he’s not into Emily in Paris. That would be grounds for regime change.”

As of press time, Netflix Iran’s algorithm now suggests:
“Because you watched Gossip Girl: Try Black Mirror, Dictators in Love, or Sharia and the City.”

Hassan Khomeini Spotted Smiling Near Fountain, Accused of “Western Body Language”

TEHRAN — A scandal erupted Friday afternoon after Hassan Khomeini, the reform-minded grandson of Iran’s revolutionary founder, was spotted near a public fountain… smiling.

Witnesses say the smile lasted approximately four seconds, included visible teeth, and was not accompanied by shouting, frowning, or denunciation of America.

“It was a very Western smile,” claimed one cleric. “Relaxed jaw, upward corners, no hint of national suffering.”

State media quickly launched a five-part investigative series titled “Can a Cleric Smile Without Betraying the Martyrs?” which featured experts explaining how unregulated facial expressions may “erode the revolution.”

The Islamic Revolutionary Guard issued a statement reminding citizens that “true joy stems from ideological clarity, not dental visibility.”

In his defense, Hassan Khomeini said he was reacting to “a duck making a funny noise,” but the Assembly of Experts has demanded he present the duck as evidence.

A fatwa is pending.

“This could destabilize everything,” warned Ayatollah Rafsanjani’s nephew. “First it’s a smile. Next? Laughter. Then dancing. Then democracy.”

The fountain in question has been cordoned off and will be replaced with a “reflective pool of regret.” Smiling has been temporarily classified as a “Level 3 Secular Gesture.”

Meanwhile, Iran’s conservative clerics remain frown-first and firm.

“You smile in private,” one warned. “In public, we scowl—and we scowl for God.”

Assembly of Experts Accidentally Elects Air Conditioner

QOM — In an unfortunate clerical mix-up, Iran’s Assembly of Experts has reportedly elected a Samsung wall-mounted air conditioner as the next Supreme Leader of the Islamic Republic.

“It had authority,” said one elderly member. “It hummed. It cooled the room. It never interrupted.”

The voting took place after a three-hour debate where most members nodded off during candidate biographies. During roll call, a junior cleric wrote “Model #ACQ78” on the nomination slip as a joke. But due to poor vision, hearing, and attention spans, the vote passed 62–26.

By the time the mistake was realized, the Assembly had already issued a formal statement praising “the unit’s efficiency, lack of scandal, and consistent temperature regulation under pressure.”

State TV tried to spin the result, claiming “the breath of God now moves through the vents of wisdom.”

Reaction from the public has been mixed.
“Honestly,” said one university student, “this is the most chill leader we’ve ever had.”

Meanwhile, Mojtaba Khamenei has refused to concede to the appliance.

“He lacks jurisprudential qualifications,” Mojtaba hissed. “And freon.”

As of this morning, the air conditioner was still on, maintaining a cool 21°C across the Assembly chamber and occasionally beeping when anyone says “reform.”

Recounts are underway. Samsung has not returned calls.

Mojtaba’s Official Biography Edited by ChatGPT, Spellcheck Still Refuses to Finish It

QOM — Iran’s attempt to publish an official biography of Mojtaba Khamenei hit a comical wall this week after it was revealed the entire draft was generated by ChatGPT… and rejected by Microsoft Word’s spellcheck for being “ideologically repetitive and grammatically possessed.”

The biography, titled “Mojtaba: Shadow of the Supreme”, was intended to introduce the little-known cleric to the Iranian public. But editors say the document contains 57 uses of “unquestionable piety,” 103 mentions of “gatekeeping divine will,” and at least five references to him “levitating through prayer.”

Spellcheck flagged words like “semi-infallibly,” “ayatollah-adjacent,” and “hereditary humility” as both non-existent and deeply concerning.

“We tried to rewrite it manually,” one editor said. “But every time we changed a sentence, the file corrected itself and added another footnote on obedience.”

When asked why AI was used at all, government sources admitted, “Mojtaba’s public history is sparse. We figured ChatGPT could spice it up.”

Critics noted the text bore odd similarities to Kim Jong-un’s biography, including a section describing Mojtaba taming a desert snake with a stern glance.

Despite global mockery, the Iranian Ministry of Culture insists the bio will be published—though it now includes a sticker reading:
“Written by Divine Will, Edited by Microsoft Word, Denounced by Grammarly.”

Iran Announces Next Supreme Leader Will Be Revealed in Loot Box Format

TEHRAN — In a surprise announcement designed to “increase youth engagement,” Iran’s Assembly of Experts revealed that the next Supreme Leader will be selected via loot box.

“Inspired by successful gaming models, the public may now purchase virtual “Velayat-e-Fate Boxes” for a chance to reveal the new leader,” said Ayatollah Jalali, head of the Assembly’s marketing bureau.

Each loot box costs 10,000 toman and contains one of the following:

• A minor cleric with stern eyebrows

• A pixelated image of Qassem Soleimani

• A reformist who is immediately disqualified

• A plush doll of Khamenei that says “Death to America” when squeezed

• Or the Supreme Leader himself—“Ultra-Rare Holographic Edition”

The boxes will be sold online and at Friday prayer stands, with a bonus round unlocking if a user opens 12 in a row without divine enlightenment.

“Young people love mystery boxes,” said Iran’s new Youth Engagement Advisor (a 17-year-old Twitch streamer named AyatollahRox69). “Why not let fate decide, with flashing lights?”

Human rights groups are skeptical, but some Iranians are cautiously excited.

“Honestly, it’s more transparent than the last election,” said one student.

Critics, however, warn of predatory pricing and glitchy clerics.

“Last box I opened? Got a guy from 1979 who bans microwaves,” said one Tehran resident.

Odds of pulling Mojtaba: 1 in 666.

Disclaimer: This story is entirely a human collaboration between the world’s oldest tenured philosophy professor and a dairy farmer who once read Foucault while milking goats. No AI was harmed in the making of this satire—though several ayatollahs were emotionally bruised.

Auf Wiedersehen.

What The Funny People Are Saying

“Khamenei’s in hiding, but let’s be honest—at 86, he’s been hiding from stairs for a decade.” — Ron White

“Iran’s trying to choose a Supreme Leader while under attack. That’s like picking a wedding cake while your bakery’s on fire.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“Mojtaba’s never held office, never faced voters, and never had a job—but other than that, he’s fully qualified to lead 88 million people.” — Sarah Silverman

“You know your country’s in trouble when your top two choices are: Daddy’s Boy or Dead Grandpa’s Intern.” — Amy Schumer

“The Assembly of Experts is 88 men. Which is coincidentally the number of minutes it takes them to agree on where to sit.” — Groucho Marx

“Hassan Khomeini wants reforms—like opening up Iran to the world and letting people dance. In Iran, that’s considered both a campaign and a felony.” — Trevor Noah

“Iran’s leadership race is like The Bachelorette, except everyone wears black, there’s no roses, and the winner gets a secret bunker.” — Bill Burr

“If Mojtaba Khamenei had a slogan, it would be: ‘Like Father, Like Fist.’” — Larry David

“Trump called Khamenei an easy target. This from a guy who once mistook Finland for a NATO country—and it actually is.” — Dave Chappelle

“Iran’s revolution threw out a king, only to replace him with a king who calls himself ‘Supreme Leader.’ That’s like quitting sugar and snorting powdered donuts.” — Chris Rock

“They say the next Supreme Leader must be both pious and popular. That’s like asking a monk to win ‘Dancing with the Stars.’” — Ali Wong

“In Iran, politics is hereditary—kind of like gout, but with more robes and less uric acid.” — Jackie Mason

16 Observations on the Iranian Supreme Leader Succession Circus

1. Khamenei is reportedly in hiding, but knowing Iranian bureaucracy, he probably had to fill out a form in triplicate to request his own disappearance.
2. The top two candidates to rule Iran are: a man who’s never held a job and a guy banned from his last job. Iran’s version of “Succession” is less HBO and more public access cable.
3. Mojtaba Khamenei has never been elected, appointed, or seen in daylight. He’s like Iran’s political Bigfoot—blurry, feared, and allegedly real.
4. Hassan Khomeini wants reform, but his name alone guarantees 1980s throwbacks. He’s the mullet of Iranian politics: business in the front, revolution in the back.
5. Trump claims Khamenei is “an easy target,” which is ironic coming from a man who once lost a golf ball mid-tweet.
6. The Revolutionary Guard is now protecting Khamenei with “elite forces.” In Iran, that means guys in sandals with walkie-talkies yelling “Allahu Akbar” into traffic.
7. Iran’s Assembly of Experts is 88 men who all look like they sell prayer rugs and confusion. You’d get more decisive leadership from a bingo hall.
8. The new Supreme Leader must balance “devotion to the revolution” with “appeal to the youth.” Basically, he needs to be both Ayatollah and TikTok influencer.
9. Mojtaba teaches theology in Qom, but students say he mainly grades based on facial hair and loyalty oaths.
10. Hassan Khomeini tried to run for office but was banned for being too hopeful. That’s like getting kicked out of a funeral for smiling.
11. The Assembly of Experts is supposed to elect the next leader. But they last made a major decision in 1989—right before fax machines hit peak popularity.
12. Iran’s hardliners fear hereditary rule… unless it’s their own family. Mojtaba may be Iran’s first monarch with a LinkedIn account and no resume.
13. With half the contenders dead and the other half in exile, the only requirement left is: Still breathing, moderately grumpy, and owns a robe.
14. Iran might pick a “lesser known cleric.” Because when your house is on fire, what you need is a guy who’s never seen a match.
15. The official job title is Supreme Leader—which sounds like something from Star Wars, except with fewer lightsabers and more sanctions.
16. The biggest decision in Iran’s political future might come down to which cleric’s beard is slightly more symmetrical.