MAGA States Celebrate by Yelling Into Mirrors and Firing Social Media Managers
Trump Declares National “Never Sorry” Day, Replaces Thanksgiving With “Thanks-for-Me”
MAGA States Celebrate by Yelling Into Mirrors and Firing Social Media Managers
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold move sure to divide therapists and boost fireworks sales, former President Donald Trump has announced the creation of a new national holiday: “Never Sorry Day,” slated to permanently replace Thanksgiving.
“The Pilgrims never apologized — they just landed, claimed stuff, and made deals. That’s the spirit we need,” Trump proclaimed from a podium draped in eagle feathers and BBQ sauce stains.
The new holiday celebrates the virtues of pride, deflection, and retroactive justification. Official activities include:
- Shouting personal opinions into the void
- Unfriending family members over cranberry sauce disagreements
- Lighting guilt-free bonfires using unused apology letters
Schools will no longer teach the myth of “peaceful coexistence” but instead focus on “Strategic Dominance Through Volume.”
Florida became the first state to recognize the holiday, launching a parade where floats shout, “Not my fault!” while firing subpoenas into the crowd like T-shirt cannons.
Ivanka Trump posted: “So thankful for my ability to never admit wrongdoing. Happy Thanks-for-Me Day!”
Dr. Phil condemned the move, saying, “This is psychological warfare.” Trump responded, “Who gave Dr. Phil a license to talk, anyway?”
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SOURCES:
How to Be POTUS Without Reading Anything
and
How to Be POTUS Without Ever Apologizing
