Features Cold Showers, Ego Rebuilding, and Loud Recordings of 2016 Victory Speech
Trump Opens “Apology Rehab Center” for Weak Republicans Who Blinked During Hearings
Features Cold Showers, Ego Rebuilding, and Loud Recordings of 2016 Victory Speech
MAR-A-LAGO, FL — Former President Donald J. Trump has unveiled his latest passion project: the *No Regrets Recovery Institute*, a luxury rehab center designed specifically for Republicans who, at any point, showed weakness by apologizing during congressional hearings.
“This is for those who momentarily forgot that groveling is for Democrats,” Trump said while unveiling a statue of himself frowning at Mitt Romney.
The program includes: ego rebuilding exercises, power-lapel-pin fitting, and 24-hour looped audio of Trump’s 2016 acceptance speech. All mirrors have been removed, so residents can stop reflecting on their actions.
Participants must recite the pledge: *”I’m sorry for ever saying sorry.”*
Senator Lindsey Graham was reportedly the first admission, checking in after using the phrase “perhaps I misjudged.” He is now in his fourth week of immersion therapy involving steel-reinforced MAGA hats and dodgeball sessions against middle school debate teams.
Melania was seen leading a yoga class called *”Letting Go of Accountability.”*
The center’s motto, etched in gold above the sauna: *”Contrition is for the unconfident.”*
Trump concluded the ribbon-cutting with a firm handshake and no eye contact. “You want forgiveness?” he growled. “Win something first.”
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SOURCES:
How to Be POTUS Without Reading Anything
and
How to Be POTUS Without Ever Apologizing
