Now Featuring Built-In Truth Filter That Labels Facts as “Opinions in Disguise”
Trump Unveils “Sorry-Free Smartphone” That Auto-Corrects Apologies to Compliments
Now Featuring Built-In Truth Filter That Labels Facts as “Opinions in Disguise”
PALM BEACH, FL — Tired of autocorrect making you sound “weak and Canadian”? Donald J. Trump has released the TRUMPONE, a smartphone designed to eliminate apology culture and replace all traces of regret with unwavering self-confidence.
“When you type “sorry,’ it changes it to “you’re welcome,'” Trump explained while live-tweeting the announcement using only his pinky.
Among the phone’s features:
- A FACT-TO-OPINION CONVERTER for CNN articles
- Voice dictation that auto-inflates crowd sizes
- A “MELANIA MODE” that ignores all incoming texts unless they start with “You were right’
The predictive text now finishes phrases like “I made a mistake” with “in trusting anyone but me.”
Fox News has already signed on to preload the TRUMPONE with a daily push alert titled *”What You Meant to Say.”*
All emojis have been replaced by one: a tiny red hat nodding in disapproval of nuance.
“This phone is for patriots, not people who double back and admit fault,” Trump declared. “If Apple had guts, it would call itself Orange.”
Retailing at $777, each phone comes with a free sticker: *”I Was Right, You Were Emotional.’*
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SOURCES:
How to Be POTUS Without Reading Anything
and
How to Be POTUS Without Ever Apologizing
