Online Dating
“He Was Short, Hairy, and Always Panicked Around Acorns”
After six weeks of dating a man named “Todd,” recent divorcee Alicia Monroe began noticing red flags: he wouldn’t make eye contact, hoarded mixed nuts, and once ran up a tree during an argument. A gust of wind finally blew off his oversized coat to reveal not a man, but a highly coordinated squirrel trio.
“Honestly, they were more emotionally available than my ex,” Alicia admitted. “And better at texting.”
The squirrels, now local celebrities, have been signed by a talent agency specializing in woodland influencers. Their dating profile has been updated to say: “We’re looking for love, and maybe birdseed.”
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.