Pre-Coffee Personalities
“I Thought I Was Saying Yes to Almond Milk. Turns Out It Was a Timeshare and a Blood Oath.”
Thirty-nine-year-old software engineer Dennis Laroux is recovering from what he’s calling “caffeine deficiency-related life sabotage” after making several irreversible decisions during the crucial 7:008:00 a.m. window before his first cup of coffee. These decisions include co-signing a mortgage on a duplex he doesn’t remember visiting, joining a fringe cult called “SunBrewers United,” and agreeing to be the emergency contact for a man named Sven who he may have met on a bus.
“I thought I was just texting my barista ‘the usual,'” Dennis explained. “But I opened five tabs, filled out a form, and next thing I know I’m wearing a tunic and chanting about cinnamon sticks under a rising moon.”
Surveillance footage shows Dennis walking into a realtor’s office wearing mismatched socks and asking if the foyer had “good pour-over potential.” He then proceeded to initial 36 pages of legal documents with a Sharpie labeled “espresso pending.”
His cult initiation occurred shortly after, when he followed a group wearing burlap and carrying thermoses to a park circle. “They told me they’d help me find the brew within,” Dennis said. “I thought it was a pop-up café. Then someone anointed me with oat milk foam.”
Dennis’ bank flagged several purchases made between 7:12 and 7:47 a.m., including a sword, a bulk order of kombucha, and a lifetime subscription to a newsletter titled *Awaken Your Bean Self.*
Experts warn of the dangers of pre-caffeine decision-making. “You wouldn’t drive a forklift on Ambien,” said Dr. Helen Brewster, a behavioral psychologist. “Don’t navigate existential choices on an empty mug.”
Dennis has since created a “No Contracts Before Coffee” wristband system. He also brews a pot the night before and tapes warning signs to his mirror: “YOU ARE NOT AWAKE. DO NOT ADOPT ANYONE.”
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
