Marxists Rename Gandhi’s Ashes: “Problematic Dust”
By Lint Meringue, Senior Revolutionary Burial Correspondent
PORTLAND, OR — In a shocking decision that’s left sages sobbing into their chai and incense dealers uncertain about their product lines, the Oregon Marxist Memorial Renaming Committee (OMMRC) has voted unanimously to rebrand the remains of Mahatma Gandhi as “Problematic Dust.”
The ruling comes after a 14-hour emergency assembly of the “Bolshevik Woke Coalition,” held inside a decommissioned Whole Foods turned Direct Action Think Tank.
The debate? Whether the spiritual legacy of Gandhi—once beloved for his message of peace and fasting—could remain “ideologically unsanitized” in today’s revolution-forward climate.
“Ashes are not apolitical,” said Comrade Tangelo Marx-Weiss, co-chair of the committee and part-time kombucha influencer. “We don’t need relics of respectability politics floating around unexamined. That’s how fascism wins.”
The motion to rename Gandhi’s remains came after a viral thread on Threads (formerly Twitter) pointed out that while Gandhi preached nonviolence, he never once publicly endorsed brick-throwing as a valid form of dissent. The post ended with 34 angry emojis and the hashtag #GandhiWasALib.
Ashes Reviewed by Ethics Committee
Before the vote, a team of restorative justice interns inspected the urn containing Gandhi’s ashes—on loan from the Nehru Museum of National Reconciliation and Artisan Sandcasting. After an intersectionality audit, they found the ashes:
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Lacked sufficient acknowledgment of land sovereignty
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Were “alarmingly cis in particle distribution”
The final report was published on Substack under the title From Passive to Problematic: When Ashes Reek of Settler Serenity.
“Ashes aren’t neutral. They’re post-cremation privilege,” explained Dr. River Anarcho-Hyphenate, Chair of the Department of Historical Aggression Fluidity at Reed College.
“Even dust can center the wrong narratives.”
Memorial Vandalized with Glitter Molotov
The Gandhi Reflection Garden in downtown Portland, once considered a sacred space for meditation and public ukulele weeping, has now been defaced with graffiti reading:
“Gandhi Was a Chill Cop”
“No Justice, No Incense!”
and
“Ashes to Ashes, Hegemony to Dust.”
According to local authorities (also known as the Consensus-Driven Peace Enforcement Squad), the statue of Gandhi has been relocated to a composting facility for further dialogue.
City officials plan to replace it with a hologram of Karl Marx riding a unicycle while explaining dialectical materialism to a rescued chicken.
Woke Funeral Planning in Full Swing
In the aftermath, several Leftist collectives have offered to recremate Gandhi’s legacy in a “more ethically aligned bonfire.” The plan involves:
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Burning a vegan effigy made of tofu and vintage New York Times opinion pieces
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An open mic “mourning slam”
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Interpretive dance titled “Colonialism in Four Limbs and a Whisper”
The event will be hosted by performance artist Lavender Bomb and will feature a blessing by the Spirit Council of Decolonized Crystals.
When asked about the impact of this cultural purification, OMMRC spokesperson Dandelion Truther said:
“It’s not about erasing Gandhi. It’s about disintegrating the parts of him that make us uncomfortable. And then reassembling him into an Instagram carousel we can all agree on.”
India Reacts… Confusedly
News of the rebranding was met with stunned silence in India, followed by a long “Uhhh…” from Prime Minister Narendra Modi and an official statement reading:
“We’ll just be over here… with history.”
Meanwhile, several Hindu leaders expressed confusion over the American outrage.
“You renamed his ashes what?” asked Swami Pradip. “Is… is that something your country does often?”
“Yes,” replied the Portland delegation. “It’s called justice.”
Final Resting Place: TBD
As of this morning, Gandhi’s ashes—now officially renamed “Problematic Dust”—have been relocated to a mobile shrine inside a sustainably-sourced van with solar panels, recycled prayer flags, and a podcast studio.
The driver, identified only as “Ravi the Recontextualizer”, promised to tour the country, offering workshops like:
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How to Cancel the Dead Without Losing Followers
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Non-Violence and White Guilt: An Open Mic Dialogue
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Ashes as Activism: A Particle-Based Resistance Plan
Before departure, the caravan made one final stop at a Portland co-op café for ceremonial renaming tea. Gandhi’s ashes were placed on a shelf between “Problematic Pesto” and “Culturally Entitled Chia Pudding.”
The shelf collapsed shortly thereafter under the weight of unresolved ideological tension.
Closing Words from the Revolution
Back at the community meeting, attendees were asked to describe Gandhi’s legacy in one word:
“Mid.”
“Centerist.”
“Ashsplaining.”
“Vibes-based colonialism.”
“Low-spice chai energy.”
As one TikTok activist summarized while vaping sage from a recycled saxophone mouthpiece:
“You can’t just come back from the dead and think your peaceful aura exempts you from critique. That’s ghost privilege, baby.”