Florida Seniors Say His Aura “Too Distracting”
NAPLES, FL — In a dramatic 4-3 vote at the Mar-a-Lago Senior Sports Council, Mahatma Gandhi has been officially banned from pickleball tournaments for the remainder of the fiscal year. The reasoning? His “calm energy” was reportedly throwing off the game’s natural chaos.
“He just stood there,” said Doris Klamp, 78, team captain of the Pickle Punishers. “Didn’t swing. Didn’t sweat. Just smiled at the ball like it was a wounded bird. Honestly, it was unnerving.”
Multiple players claimed Gandhi’s presence was “too balanced,” causing unexpected harmony on courts normally plagued by shouting and minor wrist injuries. One doubles team reported accidentally hugging their opponents mid-set after making eye contact with the Mahatma.
“The man emits an anti-competitive frequency,” explained league umpire Carl Blister. “My Fitbit stopped tracking steps and started offering daily affirmations.”
Gandhi, when approached for comment, simply said, “Victory is not found in the swing, but in the stillness between volleys.” He then bowed to a folding chair and walked off barefoot, leaving behind a faint smell of jasmine and Voltaren.
Meanwhile, the American Association of Retired Athletes (AARA) has launched an inquiry into “spiritual performance enhancers.” An emergency guidance memo has now banned all “non-material athletic boosts,” including prayer beads, meditative gazes, and chakra alignment during championship rounds.
In response to the ban, Gandhi has reportedly founded a new sport called “Inner Paddle,” in which participants silently reflect on the nature of the net without touching the ball.
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