61% Would Rather Spot Sasquatch Than See On-Time Federal Budget
Poll Reveals Americans Trust Bigfoot More Than Congressional Budget Competence
In a revelation that shocked exactly no one, a new study finds that Americans are more likely to believe in Bigfoot than to expect Congress to pass a federal budget on time. The poll, conducted by the Institute for Political Futility, surveyed over 2,000 adults and found that 61% of respondents would sooner spot a 10-foot Sasquatch wandering a Wal-Mart than see a bipartisan budget finalized before the fiscal year ends.
“I’ve been waiting for a budget since 2019,” said Harold Jenkins, a middle-class American and part-time conspiracy theorist. “At this point, I’d settle for a Bigfoot sighting. At least then I could take a photo and post it on Instagram instead of stressing about our national debt.” Ron White said, “You know what I love about living in the South? We don’t have a state income tax. That’s not because we’re smart; it’s because we’re poor.”
Congressional Dysfunction Creates Cultural Preference for Cryptids
Political scientists argue that the study highlights the structural dysfunction of Washington. “Congress has mastered the art of delay,” said Professor Clara Bing of Gotham University. “They are so skilled at inaction that mythical creatures feel comparatively attainable.”
Interestingly, the poll revealed additional insights: 47% of respondents admitted they understand Bigfoot more than the federal budget, while 28% claimed that if Bigfoot were to appear in the Capitol, it would probably be appointed as a committee chair by 2030. “Frankly, I wouldn’t be surprised,” quipped one Washington insider.
Social Media Dominates with Budget vs. Bigfoot Comparisons
Social media has responded predictably. Memes comparing Bigfoot’s punctuality to Congress‘ budget timeliness are trending across TikTok, Twitter, and LinkedIn. One viral post reads: “Bigfoot shows up for photo ops. Congress can’t even show up to meetings.” Commenters collectively agreed, often using hashtags such as #CongressOrSasquatch and #BudgetWhereYouAt.
The study also explored psychological factors. Experts suggest that citizens prefer believing in Bigfoot because it is harmless, entertaining, and occasionally comes with blurry photographic evidence. Conversely, a late federal budget has tangible consequences: government shutdowns, delayed social programs, and the panic-induced overconsumption of energy drinks.
Lawmakers Remain Unbothered by Cryptid Comparisons
Lawmakers, for their part, are reportedly unbothered. “We hear Bigfoot gets all this attention,” said one anonymous representative, “but last time I checked, Bigfoot doesn’t filibuster appropriations bills or argue about budget reconciliation. We have a unique set of skills here.” Kevin Hart observed, “Why do we call it a budget? It’s not a budget if you don’t follow it. It’s just a number you made up.”
Economists warn that the cultural confidence in Bigfoot over Congress may have real-world effects, such as increased tourism in the Pacific Northwest and a spike in self-help books titled “How to Believe in Things That Might Exist.”
As Americans adjust to a reality where cryptids are more reliable than elected officials, one thing is certain: at least Bigfoot doesn’t demand endless hearings, lobbying, or a complicated series of amendments. He just exists, quietly, somewhere in the woods. Congress could learn a thing or two.