Button Plays Recording of Trump Saying “Perfect Call!” in 5 Languages
Trump Installs “I Regret Nothing” Button in Oval Office, Plays Anthem of Triumph Each Time Pressed
Button Plays Recording of Trump Saying “Perfect Call!” in 5 Languages
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The infamous red button on Trump’s Oval Office desk no longer summons Diet Coke. It now activates a new national tradition: the *”I Regret Nothing”* button, which blares an orchestral version of *Hail to the Chief* mashed up with Survivor’s *Eye of the Tiger* each time it’s pressed–typically after a bold decision or mild spelling error.
“It’s the soundtrack of success and selective memory,” Trump declared. “I wanted something presidential but with more electric guitar.”
Each press also triggers a wall-mounted display showing “Current Number of Apologies: 0.”
Visitors to the Oval Office must salute the button before speaking. Melania reportedly waved at it and said, “Good luck with that.”
Tech features include a language setting. The button can shout “Perfect Call!” in English, Russian, Slovenian, MAGA-latin, and Golf Whisper.
White House aides were initially concerned about misuse, until they realized Trump was already hitting it in his sleep.
“It’s part executive function, part morale booster, and part musical theatre,” said an anonymous staffer. “Basically, it’s everything he loves.”
Plans are in motion to offer a consumer version: *Regret Nothing for the Home*, shaped like a mini podium with LED backlighting and a faint scent of cologne and defiance.
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SOURCES:
How to Be POTUS Without Reading Anything
and
How to Be POTUS Without Ever Apologizing
