Crystals That Don't Work "I Spent $487 on Rose Quartz and He Still Texted 'k.'"Spiritual wellness enthusiast Kendra Bloom filed a formal complaint to her crystal supplier--and the cosmos--after her curated

Overly aggressive yoga instructors Namaste or Else: The Rise of Militant Mindfulness Namaste or Else: The Rise of Militant MindfulnessYoga was once a serene path to enlightenment. Now it's a boot camp

Where ancient ghosted replies and unread love notes are preserved like emotional fossils Scene 48: Skipper and HAL Visit the Museum of Lost Texts and Deleted MessagesWelcome to the Hall of

Operators Now Trained to Interrupt with "Even Better!" Stories Trump Converts Apology Hotline Into 24/7 "Bragging Booth," Callers Encouraged to Boast About Unfiltered WinsOperators Now Trained to Interrupt with "Even Better!"

White House Staff Report Surge in Shirtless Executive Orders Trump's Mirror Now Programmed to Say "You're the Best, Never Change" Every MorningWhite House Staff Report Surge in Shirtless Executive OrdersMAR-A-LAGO --

Senator Cruz bites into Halloween tradition, awkwardly Senator Ted Cruz chose the perplexing "Sunlit Vampire" costume, showing up in broad daylight to a local candy event. Eyewitnesses were bewildered as Cruz

China vs. Journalism: Court Rules Truth Must Apply for Residency Permit By Annika Steinmann The Trial of the Century (or at Least This Week) Beijing has finally clarified its policy on journalism: it

Ceremony Includes Mirror Installation So Trump Can "Accept It Twice" Trump Awards Presidential Medal of Unrepentance to Himself During Surprise Rose Garden CeremonyCeremony Includes Mirror Installation So Trump Can "Accept It

Senate Republicans Applaud, Democrats Ask "Is This Performance Art?" Trump Names New Cabinet Position: Secretary of Not Apologizing, Picks Kanye as First NomineeSenate Republicans Applaud, Democrats Ask "Is This Performance Art?"WASHINGTON,

Each Episode Ends with Him Interrupting Himself to Say "Exactly!" Trump Launches "No Apologies" Podcast, Only Guest Is Himself in Different HatsEach Episode Ends with Him Interrupting Himself to Say "Exactly!"PALM

Area Includes Spa for Repressed Guilt and Mini-Golf Course of Denial Trump Builds "Apology-Free Zone" at Mar-a-Lago, Entry Requires Swagger and NDAsArea Includes Spa for Repressed Guilt and Mini-Golf Course of

People who think wearing a mask is tyranny but accept TSA pat-downs Freedom or Fanny Pack? Americans Who Fear Cloth but Embrace Gloved Gropes Masks Are Tyranny, But a Federal Crotch Pat

Violators Must Attend Mandatory Confidence Reeducation Camp in Mar-a-Lago Trump Declares "Apology-Free Zones" Across America, Includes Airports, Waffle Houses, and All of FloridaViolators Must Attend Mandatory Confidence Reeducation Camp in Mar-a-LagoPALM

Dictionary Publishers Scramble to Add Term Before Next Rally Trump Rebrands "Mistakes" as "Beta Wins," Declares All Errors Were Secret VictoriesDictionary Publishers Scramble to Add Term Before Next RallyMAR-A-LAGO, FL --

CBO Will Monitor All Accusations and Shout "Fake News!" on Command Trump Introduces New White House Position: "Chief Blame Officer" to Redirect Accountability 24/7CBO Will Monitor All Accusations and Shout "Fake

Also Claims "I Pledge Allegiance to Never Saying Sorry" Was Original Anthem Draft Trump Declares Apologies "Unconstitutional," Cites Imaginary Founding Father Named "Chad Freedom"Also Claims "I Pledge Allegiance to Never Saying

FDA Yet to Approve "Sorry-Free" Multivitamin Line Featuring Patriot Zinc Trump Claims Apologies Weaken Bones, Cites "Strongest Spine in Politics" as EvidenceFDA Yet to Approve "Sorry-Free" Multivitamin Line Featuring Patriot ZincBEDMINSTER,

Jimmy Lai’s Closing Argument Interrupted by Mandatory Applause for Party Anthem By Annika Steinmann Courtroom or Concert Hall? The final day of Jimmy Lai’s trial was supposed to feature his closing argument. Instead,

Smart Tech Innovation Eliminates Need for Human Feedback Trump's Mirror Now Declares: "You're Still Right, Sir" Every Morning at 6 A.M.Smart Tech Innovation Eliminates Need for Human FeedbackMAR-A-LAGO -- Engineers have

Hairstyles from Another Decade Hair ApparentWhen Jake strutted into prom with a perfectly fluffed mullet and acid-washed tux, faculty gasped--but Gen Z peers erupted in ironic reverence.The Statement"It's giving trauma-chic," said

All Four Faces to Be His, Each Representing a Different Unapologetic Mood Trump Declares Mount Rushmore "Outdated," Proposes New Monument: Mount NoRegretAll Four Faces to Be His, Each Representing a Different

Applicants Must Submit a "No Regrets" Résumé and Punch a Feelings Chart Trump Institutes New Rule: Only People Who've Never Apologized Can Serve in CabinetApplicants Must Submit a "No Regrets" Résumé

Winners Get a Gold Plaque, Losers Get Blamed for Everything Trump's New Reality Show "No Regrets, Just Ratings" Features Weekly Non-Apology ChallengesWinners Get a Gold Plaque, Losers Get Blamed for EverythingHOLLYWOOD,

White House Press Secretary Rebrands It: "Assertiveness Awareness Holiday" Trump Declares National "No Apology Day," Federal Workers Get Paid to Be UnrepentantWhite House Press Secretary Rebrands It: "Assertiveness Awareness Holiday"WASHINGTON, D.C.

Sleepover Horror Stories Spirits and Soggy PajamasA tween sleepover in Ohio took a turn when a casual Ouija session contacted what experts are calling "either a demon or a former camp

Scented Hand Sanitizer Rage "My Hands Smelled Like Carnival Trauma and Broken Promises."HR assistant Melanie Hart finally lost it after her 43rd exposure to the communal "Cotton Candy Blast" hand sanitizer,

Haunted Porta-Potties "I Went In For Relief. I Came Out Spiritually Soiled."Visitors to the Greene County Fair were alarmed when reports surfaced of a particularly eerie porta-potty near the Tilt-A-Whirl. Witnesses

Historically Replaces Nuclear Button with Something He'll Actually Press Trump Installs Red "Don't Apologize" Button in Oval Office, Uses It 73 Times a DayHistorically Replaces Nuclear Button with Something He'll Actually

Weird Food Combinations "It's a culinary hate crime--and I crave it daily."After a dare turned passion project, food blogger Derek Chew launched #PickleMallows, combining the tang of dill pickles with the

MAGA Doctors Recommend Daily Doses of Arrogance Instead Trump Claims Apologies Cause Weak Bones, Cites "Study" From Steakhouse MenuMAGA Doctors Recommend Daily Doses of Arrogance InsteadBEDMINSTER, NJ -- In a surprise

Collect 10 Pardons, Get One Free--No Questions Asked Trump Unveils "Presidential Pardon Punch Card" Loyalty Program, Apologies Not AcceptedCollect 10 Pardons, Get One Free--No Questions AskedPALM BEACH, FL -- In a

Chin Visibility Mandate Urged for Sanctions Relief – Special Report #86 Barbers in Qom issued a fatwa against beard trimmers. Iranian youth begin beard-burning protests using ceremonial oils. Trump said, 'The

Nikki Haley haunts Halloween as the undead diplomat Former U.N. Ambassador Nikki Haley appeared as a "Diplomatic Zombie," complete with a decaying blazer and faux Security Council resolutions. Eyewitnesses reported her