Dad Jokes Gone Too Far
“It Started with a Joke About Electricians. It Ended with a Ban and Emotional Debriefing.”
Career Day at Maplewood Middle School descended into chaos after Martin “Marty” Feldman–proud father of 7th grader Olivia and self-proclaimed “Pun King of the Suburbs”–delivered a 25-minute presentation that included 47 consecutive dad jokes. Witnesses say the groans could be heard two hallways over. One teacher needed a neck brace from shaking her head too hard.
“He opened with, ‘I’m an accountant–but don’t worry, I won’t make any *interest-ing* jokes,'” said Olivia, who is now seeking legal emancipation. “It just spiraled from there.”
The puns ranged from tax-based zingers (“I find deductions *revolting*”) to science-class slander (“Why don’t atoms trust each other? Because they *make up everything*.”). By pun number 22, several students were reportedly seen whispering, “Make it stop,” while one attempted to fake a seizure to trigger the fire alarm.
Principal Hargrave called it “a linguistic hostage situation.” Security was eventually dispatched when Marty unveiled a laminated scroll labeled “Punageddon: My Final Form.”
In a statement to local press, Marty defended his act. “If loving puns is wrong, I don’t wanna be *write.*” He added that the students “just weren’t mature enough for elevated wordplay.”
In the aftermath, the PTA unanimously voted to ban Marty from all future school functions unless he submits material for pun-vetting. Olivia has changed schools and now goes by “Liv.”
Marty is undeterred. He’s launched a YouTube series called *Pun and Run*, in which he drives around town delivering puns to unsuspecting pedestrians. Episode 1: “Sofa, So Good.”
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
