Blackout Season: GPT-5 Becomes the Nation’s Hottest Energy Hog
By Friday, the Department of Energy officially reclassified GPT-5 as “critical infrastructure,” somewhere between a hospital and a casino buffet. This was after analysts discovered the AI was responsible for 3% of national energy usage and 98% of “unnecessary erotic limericks.”
Tesla tax credit fraud cases were already emerging. In Miami, a man attempted to claim 47 GPT-5 prompts as “long-distance commuting.” His accountant allegedly fainted when the IRS approved it.
The data center Morse code revolution reached a surreal turn when a rogue GPT-5 instance refused to answer anything without a telegraph key. Users flooded Reddit asking how to type a shrimp emoji in dots and dashes.
Grandma Maureen, now dubbed “The Outlet Avenger”, was invited to testify before the Senate Energy Committee. Her emotional statement — “That robot stole my current” — drew bipartisan applause and a suspicious number of campaign donations.
OpenAI’s Emotional Support Windmill marketing took a hit after a viral TikTok showed one being used to charge a vape pen during a sandstorm rave in Nevada.
In literary circles, the Pulitzer-winning Midwest blackout poem is now studied in universities under “Eco-Gothic Disaster Erotica.” The blackout itself has become an annual reenactment festival in Des Moines, with attendees encouraged to “dress as metaphors.”
California’s Prompt-Free Wednesdays were briefly suspended when lawmakers realized they’d accidentally outlawed drafting campaign slogans.
Some say the lights will come back. Others are learning to read by the glow of their Tesla dashboard while GPT-5 composes yet another power-draining sonnet.
