Midlife Crisis Purchases
“I Didn’t Buy It to Ride. I Bought It to Escape.”
It was a Tuesday like any other until Doug Chandler, 51, walked into a Bass Pro Shop and walked out with a bright orange Sea-Doo, a loan he didn’t understand, and a deep, unspoken sadness wearing flip-flops. “It just called to me,” Doug said, eyes glassy. “I haven’t felt this alive since CDs came in the mail.”
The only issue? Doug lives in Des Moines. The nearest large body of water is Lake Okoboji, a modest 217 miles away. Doug’s backyard consists mostly of crabgrass, a broken hammock, and deep emotional denial.
Neighbors first spotted Doug attempting to tow the jet ski across his lawn using a lawnmower and extension cord. “I thought maybe he knew something I didn’t,” said neighbor Carla. “Like maybe a tsunami was coming to liberate him.”
Doug’s wife, Janet, was less amused. “This is worse than the drone phase. At least the drones didn’t live in the driveway like a fiberglass divorce.”
Psychologist Dr. Edwin Krass calls this textbook “aquatic overcompensation.” “Men of a certain age attempt to replace lost vitality with large, noisy toys,” he explained. “They don’t want solutions–they want splashy metaphors.”
Doug insists it’s not a crisis. “It’s a lifestyle pivot. I plan to start a YouTube channel called *JetSki & Me* where I review aquatic gear I can’t legally use in city limits.”
City council has since received multiple noise complaints, as Doug now starts the jet ski in the driveway while blasting Jimmy Buffett and wearing a wetsuit made of mild regret.
Asked if he’ll ever reach the lake, Doug paused. “I don’t need a lake,” he said. “I just need the illusion of forward motion.”
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
