New LGBTQ Hymnal Seized by Church Elders, Burned in Bonfire While Singing Real ‘Amazing Grace’
LANCASTER COUNTY, KENTUCKY — What began as a “diversity-minded worship tool” ended in a literal firestorm Tuesday night, as elders at First Fundamental Firebrand Baptist Church burned every copy of a newly released LGBTQ hymnal in a patriotic bonfire behind the sanctuary—while defiantly singing the original version of “Amazing Grace” in unison.
The hymnal, titled “Songs of Inclusion: The Lavender Psalter”, had been quietly placed in select pews by a rogue youth pastor who claimed he wanted to “expand the tent of grace.” The book featured such titles as “He/Hymn”, “How Great Thou Art (In All Gender Expressions)”, and “Jesus Loves Me, This I Know, Especially During Pride Show.”
Church custodian Wayne Fultz reportedly discovered the unauthorized materials during his weekly pew-sweep and immediately alerted Deacon Ricky Paul Ray Jr., who called an emergency meeting of the Elder Doctrine Response Team.
“The devil snuck in disguised as a hymnal,” said Ray. “These books were thinner than a Joel Osteen sermon and twice as dangerous.”
Pastor Lane “Preacher Bullet” Burdett addressed the congregation before the bonfire ceremony, warning that “rainbow infiltration starts in the songbook and ends with RuPaul guest-preaching the Christmas Eve service.”
Within minutes, volunteers gathered every copy of “Songs of Inclusion” and marched them outside under the cover of Psalm 2 and Second Amendment open carry.
The bonfire began at precisely 7:07 PM, as symbolic of “God’s number of completion,” according to Pastor Burdett. The flames were stoked by anointing oil and empty Bud Light boxes, while the choir sang “Amazing Grace” with such conviction that several neighbors reported “holy vibrations” shaking their porch furniture.
“It smelled like cheap glue and heresy,” said Sister Carol-Jean Hargrove, who brought her own marshmallows “just in case the Lord wanted snacks.”
The youth pastor responsible for sneaking in the hymnals has since been placed on indefinite spiritual probation and reassigned to toilet ministry, which includes “cleansing the men’s room in the name of the Lord.”
When asked why the hymnal was so threatening, Elder Ray responded,
“Page 12 said ‘God made us queer and near.’ That ain’t poetry. That’s blasphemy. And page 48 had a footnote encouraging tambourines in men’s hands. We draw the line there.”
The publishing house behind the hymnal, Progressive Praise Inc., issued a statement calling the bonfire “a violent overreaction to inclusive theology” and offered free replacement copies to “any church ready to blend worship and woke.”
As of Wednesday morning, three neighboring churches have requested “emergency heresy checks” on their own hymnals, with one pastor admitting he’d become suspicious after his choir began adding “Yas Queen!” between verses of “Holy, Holy, Holy.”
Pastor Burdett remains unfazed.
“They burned Sodom,” he declared. “I just burned a few pages. If that makes me radical, then get me a bigger match.”