Ghosting Coaches
“For $149, I Got My Dignity Back. And a Mug That Says ‘His Loss, My Glow-Up.'”
In response to the emotional epidemic of ghosting, a new breed of life coaches have emerged–offering services like customized “last word” texts, weekly affirmation deliveries, and downloadable voodoo mood boards. Their startup, *Casper Cleanse,* promises “closure you didn’t ask for but desperately crave.”
Founder Luna Cerise calls herself an “Energetic Deletion Specialist.” She teaches clients how to reclaim power through techniques like: journaling in cursive rage, unfollowing with flourish, and hosting full-moon candlelit scream circles.
Packages range from $29.99 for a passive-aggressive GIF pack, to $399 for a deluxe healing box including rose quartz, salt shots, and a handwritten letter from “your highest self’s lawyer.”
Clients swear by the results. “He ghosted me after three dates,” said one woman. “Now I have a better skincare routine and I hex his Spotify.”
Therapists are concerned. Influencers are obsessed. The app has a waitlist and a merch line: tote bags that read “Don’t Text Me–Text My Inner Child.”
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
