Paramount Sells Its Soul and SpongeBob’s Pants

David Ellison’s Skydance Media has officially devoured Paramount Global

HOLLYWOOD – In what experts are calling the “Great Gobble of 2025,” David Ellison’s Skydance Media has officially devoured Paramount Global like a starving intern at a craft services table. The billion-dollar merger, which was approved after federal regulators reportedly “fell asleep halfway through the paperwork,” grants Skydance ownership over every intellectual property from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to Taylor Sheridan’s 94 active cowboy-themed television shows.

Sources close to the acquisition confirmed that the purchase also includes four crates of unused Scream masks, a forgotten Mission: Impossible script where Tom Cruise runs vertically up the Empire State Building, and the legal rights to remake The Angry Birds Movie using actual angry birds.

The merger is being hailed as the entertainment industry’s final admission that nothing new will ever be invented again. From now on, IP will be recycled faster than a Starbucks holiday cup.

Ellison to America: “You’ll Watch What I Tell You”

Ellison, son of Oracle billionaire Larry Ellison and heir to the rare “nepo-techno-studio-lord” caste, addressed the public from a mahogany yacht anchored in a CGI-rendered Paramount logo:

“We are not destroying culture. We are preserving it. Much like a jar of jam in a fallout shelter. It’s just… the jam is SpongeBob. And it expires in 2063.”

He then announced the formation of a new Cabinet post: Secretary of Nostalgia, filled immediately by Taylor Sheridan, who accepted the job while shoeing a horse and dictating three screenplays over satellite phone.

Taylor Sheridan Declares Himself a Streaming Republic

Under Sheridan’s new role, all legacy franchises will be remade in his signature gritty, dust-filtered aesthetic. Titles confirmed for reboot under his Yellowstone Extended Ranch Universe™ include:

• The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles → The Teenage Trenchcoat Turtles: Blood on the Sewer Ranch
• Dora the Explorer → Dora: Cartels and Compass Lies
• SpongeBob SquarePants → SpongeBob: Seafoam & Grief
• PAW Patrol → PAW Patrol: K-9s and Kill Orders

Each show is expected to be set in Montana, even if it originally took place underwater or in a Manhattan penthouse.

Sheridan said:

“Every story’s the same if you just make everybody emotionally broken and give them a big hat.”

Transformers: Now With Emotional Backstories

The Transformers franchise is also getting the Sheridan treatment, with Transformers: Oilfields announced for a 2026 release. In this gritty reboot, Optimus Prime grapples with depression and a failed marriage to a Toyota Prius named Loretta.

Autobots will now be voiced exclusively by country singers, with Blake Shelton starring as Bumblebee and Reba McEntire as the voice of Megatron.

Said one Paramount executive:

“People want robots, sure. But what they really crave is robots who cry.”

Paramount+: New Name, New Algorithm, Still Unwatchable

The newly absorbed streaming platform, which currently has the user interface of a malfunctioning microwave, will be renamed Sheridan+ in Q4 of 2025. Executives have promised improvements such as:

• Fewer Bugs: A.k.a. only crashing during award-winning episodes.
• Simplified Categories: Just “Grit,” “Grittier,” and “Oh God, My Teeth Hurt.”
• New AI Recommendation Tool: Named RIPley, which only recommends titles featuring trauma, cowboy hats, and dramatic sunsets.

Even the “Are You Still Watching?” pop-up has been replaced with “You’ll Watch Until You’re Dead, Cowboy.”

CBS: The Network That Forgot to Die

Though linear television is about as fashionable as cargo jorts, CBS will remain a functioning entity under Skydance-mainly out of pity.

Current programming includes:

• NCIS: DMV
• FBI: Parking Violations Unit
• Young Sheldon: The Reckoning
• Ghosts (Of Other Cancelled Shows)

The network’s biggest hit, Tracker, is literally about a man walking in straight lines across America solving cases by using his two strongest tools: Google Maps and grief.

An anonymous CBS producer admitted, “We just throw darts at a board labeled ‘Crime Words’ and make a series out of whatever we hit.”

The Scream Franchise Will Be Rebooted Until All Millennials Are Dead

Slasher film fans were thrilled to learn Scream 7 is in production and will star Jenna Ortega as herself, in a script where the killer turns out to be the original audience who demanded yet another sequel.

The new Ghostface mask will feature:

• Built-in facial recognition,
• Microplastics,
• And Bluetooth-enabled emotional trauma.

This will reportedly be followed by Scream 8: Therapy Not Included, and Scream 9: The Streaming Wars.

South Park and Beavis & Butt-Head Join Forces to Create Department of Dick Jokes

As part of Comedy Central’s survival pact, South Park will receive funding equivalent to Luxembourg’s GDP. Matt Stone and Trey Parker will use the funds to build a new studio in an undisclosed location inside Elon Musk’s ego.

Meanwhile, Beavis and Butt-Head will air a crossover episode titled “AI Can’t Fix Stupid,” in which both characters become accidental startup founders in Silicon Valley and accidentally crash the economy with an app that rates urinals.

What the Funny People Are Saying

• “David Ellison just bought enough IP to legally own my childhood.” – Ron White
• “Why does every reboot feel like a group project where the studio forgets to read the original?” – Jerry Seinfeld
• “I love that South Park is still around. It’s the only show that looks like it was made with a Lite-Brite and still gets 10 million viewers.” – Sarah Silverman
• “They’re making another SpongeBob movie? I’ve seen less spongy redundancy in my fridge.” – Larry David
• “Beavis and Butthead are back? That’s like hearing someone rebooted indigestion.” – Amy Schumer

The Angry Birds Film Universe Is Now a Trilogy

The third Angry Birds movie will be shot entirely using drones and passive-aggressive emails. Tagline: “Some birds aren’t just angry. They’re litigious.”

Planned spinoffs:

• Angry Birds: Red’s Redemption
• Angry Birds: Karen’s Revenge
• Angry Birds vs. Bluey (HBO crossover event)

The birds will unionize halfway through filming, demanding more seed-based catering and hazard pay for slingshot stunts.

Ariana Grande to Replace Robert De Niro in ‘Meet the Parents’ Reboot

Because nothing says “grumpy father-in-law” like Ariana Grande in platform shoes. The new film, titled Meet the Algorithm, will include scenes where the family is interrogated by a TikTok influencer and security footage is reviewed exclusively via Instagram Reels.

The film ends when Ben Stiller’s character accidentally deepfakes himself into a congressional hearing.

Showtime is Just Dexter and Shame Now

With nothing left but multiple variations of Dexter, Showtime will rebrand as “ShameTime” and focus exclusively on morally gray characters who narrate their crimes like they’re reading a Yelp review.

Marketing campaign: “You May Hate Yourself for Watching… But You Will Watch.”

Streaming AI Now Writes, Stars In, and Reviews Its Own Shows

Industry insiders have leaked that Skydance is developing a new AI script generator named SHELDON-9000. It’s trained on:

• Every Taylor Sheridan monologue,
• Three decades of Big Bang Theory,
• And an unhealthy dose of Clint Eastwood’s squint.

The AI has already written three seasons of CSI: Existential Dread, which was greenlit immediately after Ellison read the title aloud and wept.

Federal Government To Regulate Number of Reboots Per Franchise

Following the merger, the Department of Cultural Resources issued a warning:

“If we reboot Scary Movie more than twice, we risk collapsing the irony field and creating a black hole of referential humor.”

A national emergency was declared when someone accidentally announced SpongeBob: Origins – an 8-episode dramatic retelling of SpongeBob’s childhood trauma growing up under a tyrannical pineapple.

Fan Poll: What Franchise Should Be Rebooted Next?

According to a fake poll conducted by Bohiney Magazine:

• 34% voted for Napoleon Dynamite reboot starring Timothée Chalamet
• 22% want Gritty Reboot of Blue’s Clues
• 19% voted Taylor Swift’s Scooby Doo
• 16% accidentally clicked “Gigli 2” thinking it was an allergy medication
• 9% asked “What year is it?”

Conclusion: What the Hell Are We Even Watching Anymore?

As Ellison finalizes his merger, some are asking: is this the future of storytelling, or just the ultimate Netflix algorithm hallucination?

One Hollywood insider put it best:

“We used to create stories because we had something to say. Now we create stories because we own the merchandise.”

In a world where IP is currency, Taylor Sheridan is Fort Knox, Ellison is the Federal Reserve, and your childhood memories are now officially monetized at $14.99/month.

Good night, America. Your streaming subscription has been renewed against your will.

Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.

15 Humorous Observations on the Skydance-Paramount IP Grab

All Hail King Ellison, First of His Name, Lord of the Streaming Lag

Skydance just bought enough IP to make Elon Musk feel underachieving. David Ellison now owns so much content, his next move is to purchase human attention spans, which are rapidly depreciating on eBay.

“Paramount+” to Be Rebranded as “Taylor Sheridan’s Beard Presents”

Taylor Sheridan has more shows than a mall food court has chicken samples. He’s got Yellowstone, Tulsa King, Lioness, Landman, Mayor of Kingstown… at this point, Sheridan is one spinoff away from starring in CSI: Sheridan – where every crime is emotionally gritty and resolved with a cowboy stare.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Cowboys

Sources say Sheridan may reboot Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles as Teenage Republican Armadillos who fight crime with sarcasm and tax policy. “We’re from the sewer, but we believe in deregulated pizza delivery,” says the new Michelangelo.

Transformers: Rise of the Rent Payments

Now that Skydance owns Transformers, expect Optimus Prime to transform into a mid-sized condo with 9% APR financing. Coming 2026: Transformers 12: Revenge of the Property Tax Assessment.

Mission: Impossible-To Cancel Any Franchise

Even the Mission: Impossible reboot is under consideration. The real impossible mission? Ending anything. You can now get a mortgage, a marriage, and a SpongeBob reboot – all for 30 years.

SpongeBob Acquired for His IP, Not His IQ

SpongeBob is now technically a Skydance employee. If you think you’ve got a bad boss, remember SpongeBob has to take performance reviews from a man who once greenlit Gemini Man.

The Running Man Now Starred by Glen Powell Because Why Not

This fall: Glen Powell plays a sweaty dystopian heartthrob who jogs through corporate synergy. It’s The Running Man, brought to you by FitBit, DoorDash, and crippling anxiety.

Scary Movie Reboot: Sponsored by Real Life

Scary Movie returns in 2026, but now it’s just a documentary about trying to cancel Netflix before payday. The scariest thing? The “Are you still watching?” notification that judges your lifestyle.

Star Trek: Burned Out Boldly

Star Trek is boldly going where every IP has gone before – into franchise fatigue. The final season of Strange New Worlds is subtitled Star Trek: We Can’t Afford Another CGI Planet.

CBS Now Airs 12 Straight Hours of “FBI: Bureaucracy”

CBS will continue to produce spin-offs of “FBI” until the acronym is legally too long to broadcast. Coming this fall: FBI: Parking Enforcement.

South Park Secured in Hostile Comedy Takeover

Paramount renewed South Park after “reported hostility.” That’s industry-speak for “Trey and Matt threatened to draw Ellison in drag.”

Beavis and Butthead to Cover Corporate Mergers in Season 3

The boys return to Comedy Central just in time to misunderstand private equity. Expect lines like: “Heh heh… you said ‘divestiture.'”

Paw Patrol Now Subject to Workplace Safety Audits

A new Paw Patrol movie is coming. This time, OSHA is involved. One dog is benched for not wearing a reflective vest. Another gets investigated for inappropriate sniffing.

Angry Birds Reboot: Now With Real Consequences

In the new reboot, Angry Birds face a class-action lawsuit from the pigs for bird-on-pig violence. The trial will stream exclusively on Taylor Sheridan’s Yellowstone: Courthouse.

Ariana Grande to Star in Meet the Parents Prequel: “Meet the Ova”

Ben Stiller returns as an anxious dad, while Ariana Grande plays a genetically edited influencer who identifies as “Parent-Adjacent.” The whole thing is directed by AI trained on TikTok thirst traps.

IMAGE GALLERY

Skydance-Paramount IP Grab