People Who Think Owning Crystals Is a Financial Strategy
Quartz Over Cash: The New Age Plan for Late-Stage Capitalism
Manifesting Wealth with Shiny Rocks and Empty Wallets
Why save for retirement when you can just sleep next to a citrine geode and chant “abundance”? That’s the philosophy of crystal investors who believe the stock market is an energy imbalance caused by Mercury in retrograde and not, say, inflation.
Funny Evidence from the Chakra-Banking System
One TikToker explained how rose quartz helped her manifest rent–three weeks late. Another tried to Venmo her landlord with amethyst and good intentions.
Quote from a Spiritual Accountant
“Crystals vibrate at my wealth frequency,” said Aura Moonbeam, who sells turquoise NFTs and owes four months on her Etsy storefront lease.
Satirical Perspective
Financial advice from crystal people includes: “charge your jade with credit card statements” and “bury a carnelian in your coin purse for bonuses.” Meanwhile, actual banks continue to reject moonbeam-infused wire transfers.
Conclusion: You Can’t Pay Rent with Rocks–Yet
We respect your vibe, but until landlords accept chakra alignment as legal tender, maybe keep a dollar next to that obsidian.
For more spiritually bankrupt humor, vibe-check your finances at bohiney.com
