Spiritual Retreats Gone Wrong
“They Promised Enlightenment. I Got Heat Rash and a Goat Named Carl Who Knows My Secrets.”
Participants in the “Soul Bloom Awakening Intensive” paid $1,299 to spend four days in a remote field outside Sedona, guided by a man named Bliss Steve–who reportedly spoke only in whisper-haikus and occasionally burst into tears when near pine trees.
“We were supposed to do a silent sunrise meditation,” said attendee Kendra. “But the goats screamed. Constantly. One of them stared directly into my soul and sneezed.”
The retreat itinerary included Breathwork, Shadow Dancing, and something called “Rebirthing in Burlap.” Amenities listed “primitive luxury,” which turned out to mean no toilets and one damp beanbag per person.
Bliss Steve encouraged participants to “hydrate with intention,” but the only water available was a single garden hose attached to a tree. That tree has since been named Brenda and is now worshiped in the camp newsletter.
Three people left with sprained auras. One man claims he can now smell regret.
Refunds are offered only in hugs and pine cones. Bliss Steve is writing a memoir: *We Wept Near Brenda.*
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
