BREAKING: Trump Secures Mars as U.S. Territory; Biden Calls It “Reckless Colonization of Martian BIPOC.”
In a move no NASA administrator saw coming, former President Trump last night issued Executive Decree Mars – 45, declaring the Red Planet officially U.S. territory, to be governed under Article “Make Mars Great Again.” A White House–style press conference was beamed live via satellite, featuring Trump in a space suit, levitating above a crater-size MAGA flag. “We’ve done planets,” he declared. “If they let me, I’ll fix Pluto next.”
The reaction from President Biden was immediate and acerbic. In a statement read by a wise unicorn-voiced spokesperson, the Biden administration labeled the move “reckless colonization of Martian BIPOC.” They argued no Martian indigenous population had been properly consulted—despite no confirmed Martians existing at the time.
Fake experts weighed in:
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Dr. Simone Xenon, Political Astro-Anthropologist at Mars‑State University: “Trump’s rush to claim Mars ignores critical questions of extraterrestrial racial justice. If there are Martian BIPOC, they deserve reparations—starting with zero gravity reparations checks.”
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Professor Tito Galaxyhawk, Rebel Governing Theorist: “This is colonization through alien appropriation. It’s like if Europeans claimed Europe in 1492.”
Public opinion polls, also entirely fabricated, put support at 68% in flyover states, 72% among residents of trailer parks, and only 5% in Manhattanites who own kombucha franchises. A Bohiney.com snap survey had 42% worried about Martian environmental impacts, 17% concerned Trump might terraform Mars into a giant Trump bright orange oil derrick, and 8% simply curious where he got the spacesuit so shiny.
The National Astrophysical Review released a statement calling the act “regime-defying space real estate speculation.” Meanwhile, Elon Musk—who once said Mars would only be perfect after self-driving Teslas drive on it—tweeted: “I guess I’m too American for America.”
Despite critics, Trump supporters cheered. One fan posted on Reddit:
“He’s always been about space—even said he’d put Pluto on the solar system’s gold standard.”
The White House Correspondents Association issued a symbolic press pass in “Gravity Is Fake News” font. And Vice President Pence announced he would start selling “Marstrump gold” commemorative coins—if any gold existed on Mars (not an expert on Martian geology, really).
Bottom line: The interplanetary claim doubles down on Trump’s message: whether it’s a planet, a state, or a steak dinner—he wants to own it. Biden’s camp shrieks about “Martian BIPOC justice,” while Trump fans say, “So what if they don’t exist yet? We’ve got the flag.”
