WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bipartisan show of confusion, Congress passed emergency legislation Thursday effectively banning rainbows from appearing in American airspace, declaring the meteorological phenomenon “an unpatriotic display of spectrum-based ideology.”
The bill, formally titled the “Atmospheric Integrity and Traditional Values Protection Act,” passed the House of Representatives 267-168 after a twelve-hour filibuster in which Senator Rick Donovan (R-TX) read aloud from a physics textbook, pausing occasionally to express concern that “refraction has gone too far.”
“Rainbows have gone from God’s promise to liberal propaganda,” Senator Donovan declared from the Senate floor. “When I was a child, rainbows were wholesome, patriotic arcs of light. Now they’re everywhere—on flags, on T-shirts, indoctrinating our children with visible wavelengths.”
Federal Weather Agencies Scramble to Comply with Rainbow Ban
The legislation mandates that all citizens must avert their eyes during post-rain atmospheric conditions and that meteorologists issue trigger warnings before forecast segments that may include spectrum-related imagery. Repeat offenders caught photographing or pointing at rainbows face fines up to $5,000.
The National Weather Service released a statement expressing confusion about enforcement logistics. “We can’t control refracted sunlight,” explained Chief Meteorologist Dr. Ellen Rhys. “Rain and light interact independently of political affiliation. We’ve tried explaining this, but apparently we’re part of the conspiracy now.”
Congressional Task Force Investigates “Unpatriotic Wavelengths”
A congressional task force has been assembled to investigate “unpatriotic wavelengths,” with particular scrutiny on the color purple, which several representatives described as “suspiciously in the middle of things.”
The bill also allocates $340 million toward the development of “anti-rainbow technology,” which scientists have politely clarified would require eliminating either rain or sunlight—both of which are generally considered useful.
“We’re looking into weather-modification systems that would ensure clouds disperse before any prismatic activity occurs,” said Senator Linda Hayworth (R-FL), chair of the newly formed Spectrum Oversight Committee. “It’s about protecting our children from the gay agenda hidden in physics.”
Scientists Explain Light Refraction to Confused Lawmakers
When informed that rainbows are a naturally occurring optical effect caused by light refraction and have existed for millions of years, Senator Hayworth responded, “That’s exactly what someone promoting the rainbow agenda would say.”
Religious leaders have expressed mixed reactions. Reverend Charles Buckley of Heritage Community Church argued that rainbows were “ordained by God in Genesis and therefore biblically protected,” while others countered that “modern rainbows are different” and have “a certain political energy.”
School Districts Prepare to Install Rainbow-Blocking Technology
Parents’ advocacy groups have demanded schools install rainbow-blocking window films and teach children that visible light exists on a binary spectrum of red and blue only, with no “confusing middle colors.”
Meanwhile, scientists have largely given up. Dr. Neil Hartman, a physicist at MIT, released a statement reading simply: “Light refracts. This is not an opinion. Please stop calling my office.”
ACLU Challenges Constitutionality of Weather Legislation
The American Civil Liberties Union announced plans to challenge the law, arguing it violates First Amendment protections for meteorological phenomena. “You can’t ban a weather event,” said ACLU attorney Marcus Chen. “What’s next? Canceling fog for being too ambiguous?”
In response, Congress scheduled a hearing on fog.
Enforcement of the rainbow ban begins next month, though officials admit they have no operational plan beyond “asking people to look away and hope for overcast skies.”
California and Other States Declare Rainbow Sanctuary Status
Several states have already announced they will not comply, with California Governor issuing an executive order declaring rainbows a protected natural resource. “If Congress wants to control the weather, they’re welcome to try,” the statement read. “We’ll be over here enjoying our diverse spectrum of visible light like rational human beings.”
When asked whether the bill would actually prevent rainbows from appearing, Senator Donovan grew defensive. “This is about sending a message,” he said. “If rainbows know they’re not welcome here, maybe they’ll think twice before showing up after a storm.”
Meteorologists have declined to comment further, citing exhaustion and a general sense of despair about the state of public science literacy.
At press time, a rainbow appeared over the Capitol building, briefly delaying a vote on whether clouds are sufficiently patriotic.