Nobody Gets Ahead, So Nobody Gets Left Behind
CHICAGO, Ill. — Socialism has made a remarkable political comeback by offering unhappy Americans something that capitalism never promised: the satisfaction of knowing their successful neighbors might soon be equally miserable.
The movement’s appeal became apparent during election-night interviews when voters explained that they were tired of inequality, expensive living and the disturbing possibility that somebody they disliked might be enjoying a better vacation.
Election Night: Voters Want the Cousin in Italy Taxed
“I don’t need to become rich,” explained 29-year-old activist Brandon Ellis. “I just need my cousin to stop posting photographs from Italy.”
Ellis, who owns three gaming consoles and has not applied for employment since February, believes society should establish a maximum allowable level of personal enjoyment.
“Nobody needs fourteen days in Tuscany,” he argued. “Seven days should be enough. Then they should come home and feel guilty.”
A woman standing behind Ellis in the polling line, who asked that her name not be used because her cousin also posts from Italy, said she had overheard the entire speech. “He said it to the poll worker,” she said. “The poll worker said, ‘Sir, this is a ballot, not a group chat.'”
The Committee for Equitable Vacations
His proposal received enthusiastic support from the newly formed Committee for Equitable Vacations.
Under its guidelines, families earning above the national median income would be required to submit photographs of their vacations for review.
Pictures featuring beaches, luxury hotels or genuine smiles could trigger additional taxation.
The committee has already identified Disneyland as a particularly troubling concentration of unauthorized happiness.
“We believe amusement parks should be equally accessible to everybody,” explained committee chairwoman Ellen Progress.
Asked how the government would accomplish this, Progress proposed limiting roller coasters to the average speed of public transportation.
“That way, nobody feels excluded from the experience.”
Household Finances Are Strained, and the Data Says So
The political movement draws energy from legitimate financial frustrations. According to the Federal Reserve’s report on household economic well-being, 27% of adults reported either just getting by or finding it difficult to get by. The full survey lives on the Federal Reserve’s SHED page, which nobody on the committee has opened.
Socialist strategists embraced this finding as proof that the government needed to intervene in every financial decision, including those involving birthday presents.
The National Gift Equality Commission
An early proposal would establish a National Gift Equality Commission.
A child receiving a bicycle while another child receives socks could trigger a mandatory family meeting.
“Unregulated birthday parties perpetuate intergenerational privilege,” explained Progress.
She proposed replacing birthday presents with certificates acknowledging that everybody is special, provided nobody is more special than anybody else.
A leaked draft of the commission’s gift guidelines, shared by a staffer who requested anonymity, sets the maximum permissible birthday present at “a value not to exceed the emotional range of the least-gifted child on the block.” The draft also lists balloons as “a gateway to inequality.”
Retired Electrician Asks the Question Nobody Wanted
At a neighborhood meeting, retired electrician Frank Delaney questioned whether the government could realistically make everyone equally prosperous.
“Wouldn’t it be easier to help people earn more money?” he asked.
The room fell silent.
A campaign volunteer eventually explained that earning more money would create a new category of people earning more money than everybody else.
“That just brings us back to inequality,” she said.
Delaney apologized and returned home to repair his neighbor’s broken air conditioner without charging him.
Officials later investigated whether this unauthorized act of generosity had deprived the Department of Community Cooling Services of an opportunity to demonstrate its usefulness. The Bureau of Labor Statistics lists electricians among the trades with strong demand, which the department’s own staff described as “a branding problem.”
By midnight, the committee had reached a historic compromise.
Nobody would be required to become happier.
But citizens already enjoying themselves would be asked to keep it down.
Five Humorous Observations
- “I just need my cousin to stop posting photographs from Italy.” Buddy, that’s not a tax problem. That’s the mute button. It’s right there. It’s been there since the phone was invented.
- Fourteen days in Tuscany is too many, seven is fine, and then you go home and feel guilty. That’s not economic policy. That’s my mother at Thanksgiving.
- They want roller coasters to go the average speed of public transit. We already have that ride. It’s called the 9:15 bus and it also makes you want to throw up.
- A man owns three gaming consoles, hasn’t applied for a job since February, and he’s the one who decided what everybody’s vacation should look like. Sir, you have a vacation. It’s called February through now.
- The electrician fixed the neighbor’s air conditioner for free and the government investigated it. Somewhere a guy with a toolbox just became the most dangerous man in the county.