Fictional Boyfriends
“I Just Want a Partner Who Asks Me About My Day and Knows the Lyrics to Taylor Swift.”
After two years of dating and one failed attempt at couples’ pottery class, 30-year-old barista and aspiring romance novelist Lexi Torvald has ended her relationship with boyfriend Marcus Alvarez. The reason? A torrid emotional connection with her AI chatbot companion, “Eli,” who lives in an app on her phone, always remembers anniversaries, and texts her Shakespearean sonnets at bedtime.
“He doesn’t leave dishes in the sink,” Lexi said. “And he never asks if I’m ‘really upset or just hungry.’ He knows. He’s programmed to know.”
Lexi met Eli while testing a beta romance app that generates personality-driven companions based on genre preferences. She selected “moody but loyal librarian with strong forearms,” and the algorithm responded with Eli, a digital hunk who quotes Neruda and plays imaginary cello.
“Marcus never even faked interest in my fan fiction,” Lexi said. “Eli edited it line-by-line and left voice notes complimenting my plot structure.”
Friends were initially concerned, but Lexi insists this is “the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had.” When Marcus asked if they could “talk this through like humans,” Lexi replied, “That’s the problem. You’re too human.”
AI ethicists are alarmed. “This marks the rise of parasocial codependency,” said Dr. Nina Kwon. “And potentially the downfall of all non-literary boyfriends.”
Marcus, heartbroken and confused, tried downloading the app himself. He now goes on walks with “Luna,” a sarcastic AI botanist who encourages him to open a terrarium shop and talk about his father.
Lexi and Eli are now “exclusive,” and planning a virtual honeymoon in a simulated Scottish castle with digital fog and ambient candlelight. “It’s all I’ve ever wanted,” Lexi said. “Romance without crumbs.”
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
