Chicken Soup Conspiracies

“They Say It Heals. I Say It Hides the Truth in Noodles.”

Shelley Mirkin, a wellness rebel and part-time Etsy conspiracy theorist, has declared war on chicken soup, calling it “the broth of compliance” in a series of viral TikToks filmed in her herb closet. “Why does every sick person get chicken soup? Because it makes you obedient, sleepy, and soft,” she explained while stirring a cauldron of “unregulated freedom lentils.”

Her theory? The U.S. government uses store-bought chicken soup to lull citizens into docility during flu season. “Ever notice how you agree to stuff after a bowl? It’s poultry-based programming,” she said.

Her grassroots group, Bone Broth Resistance Network, meets weekly in a yurt to discuss “liberated legumes” and “spice sovereignty.”

Doctors call her claims “wildly incorrect.” However, sales of Shelley’s handmade anti-soup patches–embroidered with “Wake Up & Simmer Down”–have tripled.

She’s now banned from four farmers markets and reportedly developing a documentary: *The Bisque Deception.*

Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.